


Say Something

by T_Sauce



Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Accidental overdose, Cocaine, Drug Use, F/F, Heroin, Other, Overdose, Suicide reference, TRIGGER WARNING!!!!, Withdrawal, heavy drug use, major drug references, suboxone, this is dark and angsty, trigger warning, trigger warning overdose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-03-15 05:33:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13606608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/T_Sauce/pseuds/T_Sauce
Summary: Following the events of PP3, fame took off far more quickly than Beca realised it would, and was far more intense than she would have liked. Fame has a way of revealing truths about certain people, and in Beca's case: she realised not only was she gay, but she had fallen in love with her best friend. Sometimes it is easier to self detruct than to ruin someone else's life and happiness.Warning (trigger): heavy drug use and self destruction.





	1. Say Something

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so I apologise in advance for this fic, it it based on the song 'Say Something' by Justin Timberlake and I cant help but interpret it as someone too scared to say something for fear of hurting someone, that they turn to something else to counter their feelings. Using the being caught up in the rhythm as a metaphor for Beca being caught up in the life of a music sensation, this was born. I really wanted to write angst and I'm a little bit addicted to Bechloe right now so this happened. 
> 
> WARNING: Features heavy drug use and references. Please do not read if this will upset / trigger / offend you.

_Everyone knows all about my direction,_  
_And in my heart somewhere I wanna go there,_  
_Still I don't go there._

 

Beca didn’t have a problem.

 

She didn’t.

 

Except she did, and she was far too gone to care...

 

Life for Beca had been a roller-coaster ride since the 2017 USO Tour and getting signed to DJ Khalid’s label. And at first it had been a dream come true, not only was she getting to write and help produce music like she had always wanted, but she was writing and producing music for herself. She was literally involved with every step of the process, from the writing to recording, to editing and releasing.

 

She got to travel the globe meeting fans, doing press and touring. She got to experience new cultures, have new adventures and taste different foods and get treated the same way – at least she imagined – they treated Beyonce. She was in Tokyo one day and in Bangkok the next, listening to fans screaming her name by night, whilst by day she was interviewed, and did sound check and occasionally had a spare few hours to experience the cities beyond the walls of the venues she was performing in.

 

And it was great.

 

_Until it wasn’t..._

 

It was difficult being away from home for months at a time, not having any specific roots and not knowing what day it was, or even what month it was half the time. It was even harder keeping up with friends and family, who had their own lives and jobs and commitments. Beca was often only back in LA for one night at a time, and she was so exhausted she often just collapsed into her own bed in the apartment she had bought somewhere around releasing her second album.

 

It hadn’t been that way at first. When she first moved to LA, she had rented a tiny flat (with help from the studio) and worked during the day and came home at night to often find Chloe Beale curled up on her sofa waiting for her to return after she herself had spent the day at Vet School. The other Bella’s turned up occasionally, and Beca’s dad and step mom – who she now tolerated – popped in when they were in town for Sheila’s work every now and then.

 

Chloe had been a constant in her life, until Beca had done what she did best and started to push her away in an attempt to protect herself.

 

In all fairness, initially, it hadn’t been Beca’s fault that she and Chloe lost some of the closeness that had been there since the beginning. The first album, entitled **‘Beca Effin Mitchell’** – a hilarious pitch by Fat Amy that had somehow fitted and been approved by everyone at the label – had finally dropped, and Beca was then thrown from a cliff with a parachute somewhere in the general vicinity and expected to hang on for dear life.

And then she started being pushed into a certain direction by the label... it was as though she had no say over her actual life anymore and was simply a circus monkey performing to a crowd.

 

The normal hours had become more of a ‘ _wherever, whenever_ ’ situation, with Beca expected to travel across the country to promote, discuss and perform.

 

Spending Sunday afternoon in New York to film Jimmy Fallon and then across to LA to film the Ellen show on Monday morning? Somehow not the craziest schedule in Beca’s life.

 

The album blew up, as everyone expected it too... and then some.

 

It went quadruple platinum in the first month, and even individually the songs were doing so well in the singles charts, at one point Beca had held seven of the top 10 spots. But with the success, came the fame. More interviews, and fan meets and signings and photo shoots and magazine releases and TV appearances.

 

Throw in the craziness of the album going double platinum worldwide and Beca was seriously exhausted.

 

And then there was a world tour...

 

She tried to keep up with her real life, she really did. She would Skype with Chloe from Amsterdam, and Facetime Jesse from Sydney but eventually, it took its toll.

 

The fame also made her realise something, which, deep down she always knew but was too scared to admit.

 

She was gay.

 

It hadn’t been a gradual realisation either. She had been in a bar in London with some of her band and a couple of the producers from her tour, and there had been a woman at the bar chatting her up all night. A few drinks in and Beca threw caution to the wind and kissed her, and it was like what everyone said it should be when you kissed someone - magical, and warm and tingly.

 

And oh shit she was a lesbian.

 

Of course, after that bombshell, she had then had another thrust upon her one afternoon during sound check. She was running over, so her scheduled time to Facetime Chloe had passed, and she was writing out a reply when it hit her with so much force she literally stepped back and had to take a deep breath so that she didn’t pass out.

 

Of course, she was in love with Chloe Beale.

 

And that was the final truth and the final straw for her and Chloe’s friendship.

 

The Skype calls, Facetime dates and texts, which had in the beginning been constant despite the hectic schedules, were now almost non-existent, Beca citing ridiculous excuses. Flimsy excuses constituting for meaningful conversations.

 

Jesse, who Beca did still speak to at least once a week – she didn’t really have a choice, he now worked for the label as well, in their movie division – had just sighed when she told him of her revelations.

 

Apparently it had been pretty obvious, even when they were together.

 

At that Beca had cried and apologised, and he had chuckled and held her tight whilst she sobbed into his chest and told her that he still loved her, regardless of her total toner for Chloe Beale.

 

Of course, this is Hollywood, so eventually the news that Beca Mitchell was now a lesbian got released without her consent on the cover of a tabloid, a photo of her kissing the woman from the bar splashed across the front page – apparently it took a few weeks to get the right price for certain photos.

 

The Bella’s had of course messaged her immediately and told her they were proud of her, and even Aubrey had text her outside of the group chat offering support and friendship should she need it. Amy and Stacie had messaged her individually both asking if she was going to admit her love for Chloe and then bone her (that was Amy). Chloe had called her, and Beca had let it go to voicemail, listening to it later in her room, tears streaming down her face as she heard the pride in Chloe’s voice turn to tears, as congratulations turned to sorrow as she asked Beca if Beca really didn’t trust her enough to tell her? Beca had sent her a generic text saying, ‘ _Thanks for your support, I’ll call you soon_ ’.

 

She never did call her back.

 

Upon figuring out her feelings for the gorgeous redhead, Beca was faced with another problem – you know, as well as dealing with all of her contractual obligations and starting to work on her second album – and that issue was Chicago. He and Chloe had decided to make a go of it after the USO Tour, and two years later they were still going strong.

 

And the worst part was she actually really liked Chicago. He was a really good guy and he obviously loved Chloe and they looked good together. The downside to it all was Chloe was in love with him and not her.

 

So despite Jesse constantly telling her to ‘sack up dude’ and admit to Chloe how she was feeling, Beca fell more and more detached from the situation, and her friendship with Chloe – and by a depressing default – the rest of the Bella’s, and she was now on her own. They had all tried to contact her, Chloe persistently when Beca constantly made excuses on their calls, and avoiding making any plans when Beca knew she was supposed to be back in LA for more than one day.

 

And the fact she knew that she was breaking Chloe’s heart by not talking to her – Aubrey had left a very angry message in her voicemail asking her how she could dare do such a thing to her best friend, and that she knew Beca wasn’t to be trusted from the beginning – broke her own heart as well.

 

But in Beca’s mind, despite everyone telling her to ‘ _say something_ ’, sometimes the greatest way to say something, is to say nothing at all. Chloe was happy, and even though it was killing Beca to see the Instagram updates and hear Chloe gushing about Chicago, she loved Chloe far too much to ruin that for her.

 

And then one day, the effort stopped, and Beca was all alone in a sea in which she was barely staying afloat as it was.

 

 _Everybody says say something,_  
_Say something, say something,_  
_Say something, say something,_  
_I don't wanna get caught, up in the rhythm of it,_  
_But I can't help myself, no, I can't help myself, no, no,_  
_Caught up in the middle of it,_  
_No I can't help myself, no I can't help myself, no, no, no,_  
_Caught up in the rhythm of it_

 

She tried to cope, she really did. She tried to enjoy the work she was doing, but she didn’t realise that fame could be so mentally draining. The music was her release, but the interviews and press and pretending to be someone she really wasn’t was starting to take its toll. And in a moment of weakness, she tried a new escape.

 

Cocaine.

 

She was at a party in New York on New Year’s Eve the first time she actually accepted the offer. Of course, she had been offered it before but had always politely refused – and it had been that way for the past two years since she had first signed on that dotted line – as it was something she had absolutely no interest in.

 

Her second album had dropped a few weeks prior, so she should be on top of the world based on its projected success in the charts and album sales. But that day, she had seen Chloe’s engagement post on Facebook, spent three hours crying in her very extravagant hotel room, and then headed out to get drunk.

 

The party was for celebrities only at one of the five star hotels in Midtown that had been transformed into an incredible nightclub for the night, with exotic dancers, an open bar, loud music and dark / private booths.

 

An actress Beca had met once or twice before at Awards Ceremonies had fallen on her as she walked back to her booth from the bar sipping her vodka cranberry (she had lost count of how many she had drunk so far that night). She had apologies through slurred speech and cloudy eyes, giggling as she struggled to stand upright, and when she had secretly whispered in Beca’s ear, ‘ _it’s the coke, you know what I'm talking about_ ’ and winked at Beca when she pulled back and Beca had said back in a flirty tone, no she didn’t know, but ‘ _you could teach me_ ’.

 

So, in one of the poshest toilets she had ever been in in her life, Beca and nameless actress had snorted several lines of coke off the wooden panelling covering the toilet’s tank. The high had been instantaneous and Beca immediately felt several tonnes lighter, as though the world around her seemed to melt away and took all her worries with it. She felt light and carefree for the first time since before starting Barden and she wanted to celebrate. She dragged the actress back onto the dance floor, and if she kissed her at midnight and they ended up having sex in one of the chauffeur driven cars on the way back to Beca’s hotel, then Beca could just blame the drugs when she woke up.

 

Except it wasn’t just the one time. Of course it wasn’t, because it usually never is.

 

The one time turned into multiple times a week at parties she now started going to in every city, just as an excuse. This then turned into a few times during the day in the week as well when she was having a particularly stressful week. This then turned into multiple times a day – even when touring and recording.

 

The deeper Beca got into her addiction, the harder it was to pull herself out. She wouldn’t admit to anyone she had a problem, not even to Jesse, who had pulled her to one side and asked her what she was doing to herself?

 

“This isn’t you Becs” Jesse had whispered with a hand on her cheek as she struggled to keep eye contact, eyes glazed and half closed.

 

“You’re not my boyfriend Jesse, you can’t tell me what to do” Beca had replied harshly, not even caring about the effect the words had on her friend, “I’m an adult, I’ll do what I want and for your information” she continued as she turned to walk away... “I can stop whenever I want”.

 

He hadn’t believed her.

 

_Maybe I'm looking for something I can't have_

_(Maybe I'm looking for something I can't have)  
Maybe I'm looking for something I can't have_

 

Of course, the label found out about Beca’s new addiction, and forced her to take some time off to recover, trying to sweep her addiction under the carpet before it got out to the media. At one point this would have literally been heaven for Beca – to spend some time at home with no obligations – but now it was hell.

 

She was left alone with her thoughts which were getting progressively darker by the day, and with no music to counteract them, she was spiralling faster than anyone thought possible.

 

Her new ‘ _friends’_ came round, and they snorted coke and drank wine and danced in her living room to Top 40. She was so far gone with her reliance on the drugs by May, that when one of the men that had joined her ‘ _group_ ’ had pulled out a teaspoon, lighter and a needle and asked Beca if she wanted to try, Beca had shrugged and lay back as the needle’s contents were released into her arm.

 

And if cocaine was the sky, then heroin was the fucking Milky Way Galaxy.

 

She lay back on the sofa as the rush hit, and she literally felt like she could jump off the balcony of her apartment and fly downtown. She felt like she could dive into, and swim across oceans whilst skipping through the streets with euphoria. She lay back against the sofa as the ‘rush’ disappeared, and the world turned cloudy around the edges, her breathing slowing down as she felt her heart beating in her ears and everything turned sluggish.

 

The guy had laughed at her as he shot up as well, but the world seemed foggy and out of focus for Beca, even as it turned on around her at a breakneck pace.

 

She had woken up needing more.

 

That first time had then become a second, and then a third until Beca was using heroin and cocaine every day as though she were simply taking an ibuprofen for a headache. The label was seriously worried, and her manager, Scotty, had pulled Jesse to one side and begged him to be able to get through to her after his, and several others’ attempts fell on deaf ears.

 

Jesse had tried, he really had. He had pleaded to see what this was doing to her. How it was affecting those around her, how it was affecting him. But it was as though Beca had simply given up.

 

Jesse knew in reality she had millions of fans waiting to hear her new music, she had a father and step-mom who loved her dearly and wanted her home to recover (she had shot that one down instantly). She had her agent and her friends at the label that didn’t care about the music – or the money – anymore. They just wanted Beca to realise what she was doing before she killed herself.

 

And she had the Barden Bella’s. The women who Jesse still followed on Instagram and spoke to on Facebook every now and then and who always asked after Beca, even if they didn’t understand why they had been cut off, they still cared.

 

Jesse would never tell them what was going on of course, but it did make him realise something one afternoon. He had been in to Beca’s apartment earlier that evening and literally lifted her out of a puddle of vomit on the floor, stripped her and put her in the shower before putting her into bed with a glass of water and a cereal bar on her bedside cabinet. He had binned the needles, bags of coke and heroin her found on the table and wiped down the surfaces with a strong antibacterial spray and a barely used cloth he found under the sink.

 

When he was sat back in his own apartment that evening, he was going through his Facebook feed and he saw a photo of the Bella’s posted on Chloe’s timeline with the caption _'Throwback to one of the greatest moments of my life #Bellaforlife'_. He smiled as he looked at the photo. It had been taken the night they had won World’s back in 2015, the girls were stood on the stage with their trophy held in the arms of Legacy, but it was Beca he focused on. She was stood with her left arm wrapped around Chloe as Chloe grinned widely into the camera. Beca however was looking at Chloe with a soft look on her face and a lazy smile on her lips and a sparkle in her eyes.

 

He was looking at this photo when he made a decision. He flipped through his contacts until he found a certain name and pressed the number that came up underneath, lifting it to his ear as it began dialling and was answered after roughly three rings.

 

“Hi, Chloe? It’s Jesse”

 

 _Everyone knows all about my transgressions_  
_Still in my heart somewhere, there's melody and harmony_  
_For you and me, tonight (whoa)_  
_I hear them call my name_

_Say something, say something_  
_I don't want to get caught, up in the rhythm of it_  
_But I can't get help myself, no I can't help myself, no, no_  
_Caught up in the middle of it_


	2. Let You Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite the fact that Beca pushed her away, Chloe can't help but feel guilty that there is some blame on her shoulders... after all she stopped trying and whilst she can say she's proud of her friend, she's still sorry she let her down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is based on the song Let You Down by NF. I think it ties in really well to how Chloe is feeling this chapter, and it sums up how the collective audience views Chloe as a character. 
> 
> Apart from the mention of the fact that Beca is doing drugs in this chapter, there is no outright details, but please avoid if you feel it may upset you / trigger you.

_Feels like we're on the edge right now_  
_I wish that I could say I'm proud_  
 _I'm sorry that I let you down_  
 _Let you down_

 

Chloe Beale had been in the middle of a dinner with friends at a local Thai restaurant when her phone rang loudly in the pocket of her jeans. She pulled it out and glanced at the caller ID as her friends laughed loudly at something her friend Julia had said.

 

_‘Jesse Treble’_

 

Whilst the instantaneous flicker of confusion came and went – after all, it’s not like she and Jesse had ever been very close and apart from the occasional text from him back whilst he and Beca had been dating (or Treble advice when he first took over) she really hadn’t had a lot to do with him. Once the confusion had passes, it only took Chloe one second to answer as panic rose up in her chest, her mind immediately going to Aubrey – Jesse and her best friend had gotten friendly over the last year and she knew Aubrey really liked him.

 

She greeted him and asked him to hold on for a second, and then politely excused herself from the table and wandered out of the building into the cool evening air, perching on a wall outside the restaurant as she once again brought her phone to her ear.

 

“Hi Jesse, is Aubrey okay? Are you okay?” She rushed out, feeling a weird panic rise up to DEFCON 5 levels in her chest at the thought of either of them being hurt.

 

“We’re both fine Chloe, honest” he sighed down the phone and Chloe felt a ‘ _but_ ’ coming there somewhere...

 

“But”... she urged, the confusion coming back in full force.

 

“... but Chloe, it’s Beca. It’s bad, it’s really bad” he whispered, and she heard his voice crack, as though he was struggling not to cry.

 

“What’s happened to Beca”? She feels the panic come back ten-fold and forces herself to remain calm outwardly.

 

“She’s doing really bad Chloe, and I don’t know who else can help her. We can’t get through to her and she’s going to end up killing herself” Jesse explains, and Chloe can feel her own tears build in her eyes.

 

“What do you mean”? Chloe asks, Jesse’s explanation hadn’t done a lot for her confusion.

 

“She’s using heavy drugs Chloe, the label are trying to bury it to try and save her reputation, but at this point, it’s her life that needs saving”...

 

Chloe doesn’t know what to say and she sort of blacks out as Jesse continues talking. She can make out the fact he’s speaking from the noise at the other end of the phone line, but if she was asked to replay this conversation to someone, she doesn’t know if she would be able to.

 

“...and I honestly think she’d listen to you Chloe” Jesse finished, which brought Chloe back into the present time, and without even intending to do it, she snapped back at him.

 

“You mean considering she talks to me so much now and values me and my opinion”?

 

There is silence at the other end of the phone, and part of Chloe wants to apologise to the man, but the other part of her is hurt and disappointed and so tired of feeling like she let Beca down despite the fact she tried to stay in touch and hold them all together, it all comes flooding out.

 

“Beca stopped talking to me Jesse, I tried for months to hold on to our friendship, but the fame got to her and she pushed me away. She pushed all of us away Jesse, and now she needs my help all of a sudden”? Chloe exclaimed, her body tense with anger and aggression she knows she has no right to take out on Jesse.

 

“There were other reasons she stopped talking to you all Chloe, I don’t know the full details but I do know it wasn’t just the fame pushing you away” Jesse explained gently, his voice soft.

  
“Maybe so Jesse, but I haven’t spoken to Beca for eight months, and she doesn’t know me anymore, and I don’t know her. I’ve spent the last eight months blaming myself for not being a better friend, for not fighting against her when she gave me flimsy excuses and for not being the person she felt like she could come too about anything. I spent eight months feeling miserable about this, and I am finally done blaming myself. She pushed me away... she has no right to ask for my help after what she did”

 

“She’s not asking Chloe, I am...” Jesse whispered, and this time Chloe heard the sobs break free from him, “I can’t lose my best friend, but I don’t know what else to do”

 

“I’ll think about it” Chloe replied, and she hears his small reply of thank you before she hangs up the phone. It isn’t until she re-enters the restaurant and the girls all flock around her asking if she is okay that she realises that she has been crying too.

 

 _All these voices in my head get loud_  
_I wish that I could shut them out_  
 _I'm sorry that I let you down_  
 _L-l-let you down_

Sat alone on the sofa late that evening – Chicago was on late training duty – Chloe reflects on the last two years of her life and how it led to this point. How did she and Beca fall so far apart?

 

Following the USO Tour, Beca had moved to LA, and coincidentally, so had Chloe. When she told the girls - following that ridiculous kidnapping in the South of France - that she had gotten into Vet School, she had accidentally forgotten to add in the part about the fact it was for Platt College in LA.

 

And so, Beca had gotten on a flight to LA straight from France a few days later, and Chloe had hugged her tight at the departures gate and told her she would see her soon.

 

After spending the remainder of the summer in New York packing up her life once again, she made the journey across the country. California was much different to New York in almost every way, but the weather was probably her favourite part – she could wear shorts all year around and never be cold! And she did. Not knowing anyone in California except for Beca who was always busy during the day at the studio, meant Chloe had a lot of free time. So she spent days off from studying wandering around flea markets and small bookshops and hiking in the trails around the city. She visited independent coffee shops and even spent days on the beach topping up her tan and relaxing with a good book. By the evening, she found herself in her own quiet apartment she had rented close to her school, but she found it lonely, so routinely made the drive over to the other side of the city to Beca’s apartment.

 

There, they spent their evenings cooking, laughing and telling each other about their days. Chloe would tell Beca in great detail about the operations she got to observe in vivid detail until the shorter girl turned green and Chloe had to stop before she keeled over, and in return Beca would update her on her album process and sing snippets of the songs she was writing.

 

After eating, they would usually curl up on the sofa and watch reruns of Warehouse 13 and One Tree Hill until Chloe declared that she had to leave and Beca would convince her to stay the night because _‘it’s late and its a 45 minute drive to your apartment and I don’t want you getting into an accident because of me_ ’.

 

And so she had stayed.

 

Both of them sharing Beca’s double bed and cuddling up to one another as the air conditioning in the next room clattered loudly and Beca snored softly next to her, and Chloe felt content. She realised two months after Beca’s album had dropped that her own closet was full of clothes she had borrowed off Beca when she had to leave the next morning and go straight to school because she had spent most of the morning giggling with Beca and chatting over pancakes and coffee.

 

Of course, when Beca’s album dropped, it all went to shit...

 

Not at first though. At first Chloe had been so proud of her friend – and that she was finally living up to her potential and being the person Chloe always knew she had been – that she could gush for hours to anyone who was willing to listen about her best friend’s talent.

 

And then the travelling started, and the hours had starting being actually pretty ridiculous and Beca had always moaned to her on the phone about the crazy hours the label kept Beca working and Chloe had agreed and urged Beca to stand up to them and tell them she needed time to just be herself and recharge herself. Beca had just laughed and then sighed - _‘I wish... my contract doesn’t let me rest Chlo_ ’ - every time.

 

And as the calls got more and more distant, Chloe got busier and busier herself with studying, and with Chicago. Crazily, in all of the upheaval in her life – school, studying, finals, Beca, moving across the country, making new friends etc – Chicago had been a constant.

 

Chloe spent as often as she could texting him, calling him, Facetiming him, and suddenly he was her everything. He was the kind, gorgeous man who would arrive from leave on the doorstep of her apartment with flowers and who wouldn’t leave her side until he had to return to Spain. He was the man who would tell her stories about his army buddies until she was crying with laughter over dinner in cute restaurants and crappy diners. He was the man who held her in his arms when he was home and tell her he loves her.

 

He was – she hastened to realise at the time – the man she had forgotten her best friend for. It wasn’t as though it was purposeful or malicious, but the more Beca cancelled, the more Chloe called Chicago, and the more Beca let her down, the more Chicago cheered her up when he saw the sadness in her face and the disappointment in her eyes.

 

When he called her and told her he was being re-stationed, she had felt her stomach drop as she thought of her boyfriend being sent to Iraq or Syria, and then smiled widely when he had also grinned and told her he was headed stateside. Fort Benning in his homestate of Georgia to be exact.

 

And when he had asked her to come with him, to move in to the camp with him, she had evaluated her life – school was nearly over and she had nearly graduated, and apart from some friends from school and the local coffee shop – and as there was nothing left in LA keeping her there, she made the move.

 

And exactly one year after she had moved into her apartment in LA, she moved into a spacious two bedroom house in Fort Benning in Georgia with Chicago.

 

Living on an army barracks was an adjustment, although technically she was living in the accommodation town, a vast city with every amenity known to man specifically built for the families of the army persons serving their country. Chloe got a job at a local vet in Columbus which was a 30 minute journey and made friends with some of the other girlfriends in the town. The girls took her out drinking when she arrived, invited her round and gave her people to talk to when Chicago was working late and she knew nobody. They went to the gym together and they had movie nights and dinners and Chloe and Chicago got invited to family picnics on the weekends they were both off work.

 

These girls became like the Bella’s to her, another family.

 

Chloe still spoke religiously to the other Bella’s, and it would always start off really well when they had seven way Skype calls, but eventually the elephant in the room would be brought up and everyone would go quiet and not know how to respond to the question ‘has anyone heard from Beca lately’?

Apparently Beca had stopped talking to everyone.

 

It had taken Chloe six months to give up trying to talk to the small brunette after she had moved. They had been drifting apart before she moved to Georgia as Beca was rarely in LA, and even when they did talk Beca was tired and irritable and not even in the adorable way she had been in college.  And then she was always off on tour or promotional tour for her album or recording the new one and Chloe really did try... but eventually you get fed up of being the only giving, only to receive nothing in return. So she decided to walk away from Beca – figuratively of course – and decide that she could no longer put in the time only to be left feeling disappointed.

 

 _Yeah, you don't wanna make this work_  
_You just wanna make this worse_  
_Want me to listen to you_  
_But you don't ever hear my words_  
_You don't wanna know my hurt, yet_

 

Chloe’s mum had always told her when she was little, that she was the sort of person that would feel pain for someone else and saw the world through a magical filter, where the bad stuff didn’t exist and everyone was good. Chloe never understood then, but as she grew up it started to make sense. She hated to see other people hurt, and would always go the extra mile to help someone, and even go as far as to blame herself for things that were in no way her fault.

 

In the Beca situation as Aubrey called it, Chloe had felt her resolve break and the guilt sneak in on a handful of occasions.

 

The biggest one had been when Beca had been outed against her will and Chloe had sobbed on Chicago that it was her fault Beca had stopped talking to her. If Beca couldn’t even be honest about herself, or be herself around Chloe than that meant that Chloe had clearly been a terrible friend.

 

Chicago of course had held her as she sobbed and dismissed her fears about being a bad friend, and simply said that some people didn’t know, and maybe Beca hadn’t wanted to know the truth about herself, but that didn’t mean it was Chloe’s fault.

 

Chloe had worked herself up as she had argued that she was Beca’s best friend and she should have known, and she should have been there for her whilst she dealt with the fall out of the press and the media as the whole world found out Beca Mitchell was gay. If she had tried harder to stay in Beca’s life, maybe Beca would have felt like she could talk to Chloe about it and be honest and then they would laugh and go out for drinks and Chloe would be Beca’s wingman and help her find a great girl who loved her like she deserved to be loved.

 

Of course, Chicago managed to calm her down eventually, and gently suggested that maybe just for peace of mind; she could call Beca and speak to her. Chloe left a massive message on her voicemail saying how proud she was of her for being brave and that she should be proud of herself for being honest about who she is.

And when she got a generic text back and not the return phone call she had been expecting, well... she couldn’t say she was surprised, but it hurt nonetheless, and once again she cried herself to sleep in Chicago’s arms.

 

Another one had been when Beca had released her second album, and Chloe hadn't been able to go into anywhere in LA not playing one of her songs. Hearing Beca's voice everywhere except where she wanted to hear it - on the other end of her phone - was killing Chloe. She didn't care about Beca Mitchell, tattooed and pierced singer songwriter and star. She cared about her slightly dorky best friend Beca, who only cried when she thought no-one was looking and who taught herself random talents off the internet, like cup stacking and the ' _cup song_ ' as she had affectionately dubbed it. 

When she finally managed to block out the guilt and get on with her life, she realised how happy she was. She had great friends, a fantastic boyfriend and a job she loved – so when Chicago proposed on New Year’s Eve at a party surrounded by the Bella’s and her new Army family that the US Army put on every year... that was just the icing on the cake.

 

_(She pushed down the feeling that something was missing and she ignored the pangs she felt as she saw the red solo cups by the bar and Titanium was played by a DJ that wasn’t Beca Mitchell)_

 

Chloe was still sat pondering her life and what had lead her to this moment, and her phone call with Jesse when Chicago came through the front door.

 

She spoke to him about the phone call with Jesse – or what she could remember of it anyway – and about how she felt in general about the Beca Situation and he hesitated slightly as he read the look on her face, and then he pulled her in to lay next to him on the sofa and said to her that he would support whatever she decided to do.

 

“But what if I decide to go to LA and help Beca, Jesse said it was really bad ‘Cago” Chloe whispered, as if she was scared that saying it out loud would solidify the phone call and make it real.

 

“Then I will book you a plane ticket, and he here waiting for you until you come home” he replied with an easy smile that made the world seem a better place, she couldn’t help but return the it and pull him in for a kiss.

 

She had a sleepless night that night, pondering her decision as Chicago lay next to her sleeping soundly. She watched the alarm clock tick on, watching and waiting until the hands of the clock told her it was a decent hour in LA. She pulled her phone out of the charging cable and wrapped the throw that lived at the end of their bed around her shoulders as she slipped out of the bed and out of the room. She padded her way downstairs in the dawn light and out into the crisp morning air, and as she stood and looked as the sun came up and the sky was painted in shades of red and gold she returned the phone call to Jesse, and with a slight shake in her voice told him the only thing she could in this situation.

 

“I’ll be in LA in two days. Look after Beca until I get to her okay Jess”?

 

 _Eventually, I bet that we_  
_Could have made this work_  
 _And probably woulda figured things out_  
 _But I guess that I'm a letdown_  
 _But it's cool, I checked out_  
 _Oh, you wanna be friends now?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all of the lovely comments and kind words, it really means the world to me. The next chapter is planned but I will be busy until next week so may be a slightly longer wait to see the reunion of our favourite angsty brunette and sunshine redhead.


	3. I Hurt Myself Today

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe meets with Beca for the first time in over and year, and finally understands what Jesse is talking about. Thing's don't go to plan and it nearly costs Chloe everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a dark chapter and I'm sorry in advance. There's a bit of a jump between POV's this chapter, with it swapping from Chloe to be Beca halfway through for a bit, just because I needed to add in Beca's thoughts.  
> This song is based on Johnny Cash's song Hurt, which I think is an excellent way of describing how I imagine Beca to feel. (If you like to be emotional then listen to the song whilst you read this chapter). I apologies for the angst, this is the last dramatic bit of this fic before things start to improve for Beca. 
> 
> WARNING: This chapter contains drug usage and overdose. Whilst it isn't actually a suicide, please do not read if you could be triggered.

_I hurt myself today_  
_To see if I still feel_  
 _I focus on the pain_  
 _The only thing that's real_  
 _The needle tears a hole_  
 _The old familiar sting_  
 _Try to kill it all away_  
 _But I remember everything_

 

Chloe stepped out of the arrivals gate at LAX International Airport and just stood for a few minutes breathing in the warm air of the city she had grown to love in the year she had lived there. Even though she had only been gone a year, she felt like a completely new person. Not only was she now engaged to the love of her life, but she was a qualified vet and had made lots of new connections and friends with her life in Georgia. But it wasn’t just her achievements that made her feel different, but her state of mind as well.

 

When she had lived in LA, she had only just started the journey of finding herself. After seven years at Barden she had fallen into some sort of funk, where she had tried to stay the same, for fear of anything else changing – or at least that is what Aubrey said when she had ‘ _failed_ ’ Russian Lit for the third time.

 

Now though, she was 28 years old and she finally knew who she was, and she knew what she could do and what she was capable of... and it was freeing. Six months ago, she wouldn’t have been able to face Beca, the girl who had broken her, who had pushed her away for no reason at all and who had made her feel like shit without saying anything at all. Six months ago, the thought of facing Beca would have made her an apologetic mess and she would have grovelled for Beca’s forgiveness. But it turns out, Chloe thought on the flight, she doesn’t need Beca’s forgiveness, she deserves Beca’s.

 

But now, fully fledged adult Chloe Beale, with the great life and fantastic fiancé and amazing job doesn’t need someone in her life who can make her feel less than who she is, or make her feel bad about the person she has become. It took her a long time to find that person, and she’ll be damned she let Beca Mitchell of all people ruin it for her.

 

Chloe takes a deep breath and lowers her sunglasses over her eyes, and with her suitcase being pulled along behind her, she hails a taxi at the taxi ramp, and heads towards the hotel she had booked herself into for the two days she planned to be in LA.

 

Whilst Jesse had offered to pick her up, Chloe was here to speak to Beca, find out what was going on, convince her to go to rehab and then get back on a plane home. At one point Beca was her home, her safe place and her happy place – her best friend – but now, home was with Chicago in Georgia. And after all, this trip wasn’t a holiday; this was to put a stop to Jesse’s fears and to give Chloe some closure.

 

It was a business trip... of sorts.

 

Chloe checked into the hotel about a 10 minute walk from Beca’s apartment at 1pm. Jesse had emailed her Beca’s address only a half an hour after she had called him to let him know she was on her way. That was two days ago, and since then she had reread the email nearly 16 times and memorised the route from her hotel to Beca’s apartment. Jess had also let her know he had put her on the list of people to be allowed up past building security.

 

_(Chloe had paused at that, she hadn’t quite grasped the concept of Beca’s fame – none of the Bella’s had – and the fact that Beca now apparently lived in a secure building for her own protection was a rather scary thought in itself)._

 

After checking out the hotel room features (fairly standard, large bed with white sheets and fluffy pillows, white walls, large tiled bathroom and a wardrobe and drawers to put her things) and unpacking, Chloe realised she couldn’t put it off any more.

 

She decided to take a quick shower and change into a pair of black jeans with rips in them, and a heather grey v-neck t-shirt, she slipped her white converse back on and picked up her handbag. It was time to go and see Beca.

 

The walk wasn’t long, but it seemed to take an eternity to reach Beca’s building and when she did she stood outside and stared through the glass doors trying to find the confidence to go in. It seems as though Chloe wasn’t quite as laid back about this as she thought she had been, because now her stomach was turning somersaults and she felt like she was going to throw up. Jess had said Beca was in a bad place, but was he actually just exaggerating to her to come out here? Would Beca even want to see her or would she tell Chloe to leave? Chloe thought that would hurt more than anything that had happened in the past, and that included being ignored and being treated like she didn’t matter anymore.

 

But being told to actually leave? The thought alone made Chloe almost turn around and leave before she even saw the smaller brunette...

 

Shaking her head, she steeled herself and headed through the large glass doors into the lobby. She headed over to reception, well aware of the large muscled men in black suits, their weapons barely concealed under their jackets.

 

“Hi” she greeted the blonde receptionist, hoping her voice didn’t sound as shaky as it felt, “I’m here to see Beca Mitchell, I should be on the list”

 

“Name?” This woman wasn’t in the mood for chatting apparently...

 

“Oh, yeah... sorry... I’m Chloe Beale”

 

“ID please”

 

Chloe handed over her driver’s license in silence and watched at the woman glanced at her screen and then back up at Chloe a few times before handing it back to her, along with a visitors pass.

 

“Miss Mitchell lives on the top floor, use that card to access the elevator and give it back to us when you leave”

 

Apparently that meant the conversation was over, and Chloe whispered her thanks and took both her driver’s license and the pass and headed past security to the elevator at the back of the lobby. After calling for the elevator and waiting a minute or two it arrived and opened with a ping. She took in the mirrored elevator, ironically it was playing one of the songs from Beca’s latest album – a highly depressing acoustic single Chloe had sobbed too when she first heard it - and she used the visitors pass in her hand to activate the buttons and she pushed the highest number, 14 of which Jesse had already informed her was the right floor.

 

As the elevator rose, so did Chloe’s nerves, and it was purely on autopilot that she was able to walk out of the elevator once it arrived at its destination and knock on the only door on the floor.

 

Jesse had informed Chloe that Beca would be home – apparently she was always home nowadays – but after a minute or so and the door didn’t open, Chloe wasn’t sure he had been correct. And just as she was pulling her phone out of her handbag to call the man in question, the door opened and there stood Beca Mitchell.

 

 _What have I become_  
_My sweetest friend_  
 _Everyone I know goes away_  
 _In the end_  
 _And you could have it all_  
 _My empire of dirt_  
 _I will let you down_  
 _I will make you hurt_

As the door opened and Chloe looked up and saw Beca for the first time in person for just over a year, she gasped. Jesse had said it was bad and she hadn’t believed him. But looking at Beca, it appears he hadn’t downplayed the situation at all.

 

Beca had always been slim, but this was bordering on dangerously skinny. The brunette was wearing a tank top and a pair of sweatpants that hung off her hips, and her collarbone was clearly visible through the skin. Her arms had lost the muscle that used to adorn them through the dancing and workouts she had done with the Bella’s but then continued through her world tours. Her face was pale and her cheeks were more gaunt than Chloe had ever seen them – including that time Beca had gotten the flu and lost ten pounds in two weeks – and the dark circles under her eyes gave away that she hadn’t been sleeping.

 

But it was her eyes that made Chloe feel like she had been punched in the gut. Beca’s normally bright, vibrant eyes – which usually held so much kindness and inquisitiveness - were dull and glazed over and it seemed as though Beca was having trouble concentrating on her.

 

They both stood there for what seemed like an eternity, just staring at the other woman. It wasn’t until Beca stepped forward and brought her left arm up to rest on the doorframe, whether as a block or to hold herself up Chloe couldn’t be sure. But that is when she saw the track marks on Beca’s forearm and in the crease of her elbow. They hadn’t been visible with her arms by her side, but now they were plain for Chloe to see. The marks where Beca had stuck a needle into her arms so she could load her system up with heroin. There were about 20 marks, and all of them looked fresh, still red and sore.

 

Up until this point, Chloe had tried to pretend that this wasn’t actually happening.

 

“Chloe” Beca said, catching Chloe’s attention, and she drew her eyes away from Beca’s arm and looked up into the face of her once best friend.

 

“Beca” Chloe replied, unsure of what to say so she continued to stand there and wait for Beca to invite her in. She had also noticed that Beca didn’t even really sound like Beca any more, her voice was abrupt and seemed to be deeper than it had been, but also her speech was slurred and Chloe knew instantly that Beca was definitely on something at that moment.

 

“What are you doing here Chloe”?

 

“I was in the neighbourhood” Chloe shrugged nonchalantly but she saw the disbelief in Beca’s face, “thought I’d come and see you”

 

“Bullshit” Beca replied, and in that moment Chloe saw the Beca she knew, not this shell of a woman she saw in front of her now.

 

“Jesse called me” Chloe said honestly, “can I come in”?

 

Beca didn’t answer, and instead just moved aside to let her past. Chloe followed her into the apartment, taking everything in. The apartment itself was gorgeous, the front entrance opening up into a large living room. The wall on the left was floor to ceiling glass, and then at the back on a raised level was a kitchen and dining area. There was a half wall on the left of the living room and Chloe could spy the tops of a few doors as she stepped fully into the living area. There was obviously a corridor there then leading round from the kitchen area. That part of the living room had a TV and a bookshelf of records and DVDs Chloe remembers Beca having in her room at the Bella’s house. There are pictures of Beca and friends at an event, and Chloe almost tears up as she sees one of her and Beca that had been taken in Copenhagen before World’s, grinning at the camera from under the umbrella they had huddled under that first day in the city.

 

It was weird, standing in a room with Beca, but knowing that she wasn’t part of her life anymore. Chloe didn’t recognise the surroundings and she certainly didn’t recognise the woman standing in front of her, looking at her as though there was both boredom and resentment in her expression.

 

“So Jesse called you”? Beca asked, as she took a seat on a large grey corner sofa that was opposite the TV. Chloe walked around the other half of the sofa and almost dropped her bag as she saw the assortment of baggies and drug paraphernalia on the table, the needles and the tourniquet making her gulp and she had to once again steel herself before she sat down on the opposite part of the sofa to Beca.

 

“He’s worried about you Beca, he thought I might be able to talk to you about all this” Chloe explained, gesturing at the table in front of her.

 

“He had no right to call you” Beca argued, leaning forward and pulling a pack of cigarettes off the table, putting one in between her lips and lighting.

 

Oh, so apparently she had started smoking as well...

 

“I’m glad he did Beca, I had no idea you weren’t... coping with life” she finished lamely, not really knowing where she was going with this conversation. It was one thing to hear about it from someone else – there was always that level of disbelief and naivety – but seeing it was something else entirely.

 

“I’m coping fine” Beca shrugged, taking a drag of her cigarette.

 

“It looks it” Chloe said, raising her voice and sitting up straighter, noting that Beca tried to do the same before falling back against the back of the couch. It broke Chloe’s heart slightly as she realised that the girl she had looked up to once upon a time – which was ironic as not only was Beca shorter than her, but also three years younger – was struggling to even sit up straight on the couch she had so many drugs pumping through her system.

 

“Fuck you Chloe, you have no right to come here and criticise my life choices” Beca growled.

 

“Yeah, these are some amazing choices Beca; can you even see me clearly right now”? Chloe replied angrily, she hadn’t expected this to be easy, but was Beca so blind she couldn’t see what she was doing to herself? “Can you even stay sober long enough to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and see what you are doing to yourself”?

 

And maybe Chloe hadn’t planned the conversation to get this deep so quickly, but then she hadn’t expected the drug use to be so obvious. And to be honest, at the state of the small brunette, she was scared of what Beca might do.

 

“You don’t know me any more Chloe” Beca shouted, dropping her lit cigarette on to the table and she managed to push herself to her feet, “you haven’t seen me in a year, you walked away from our friendship”

 

Chloe exploded, standing up and taking a step closer to Beca so they were only a foot apart, “I walked away? I walked away? No Beca, you pushed me away”

 

All of the anger Chloe had thought she had lost over the past few months over the loss of her friendship with the woman in front of her had apparently just been buried really deep within her.

 

“I tried for so long Beca, so long. But you shut me out and pushed me away. You ignored me, cancelled on me and basically shat on our friendship and everything that I thought it stood for. I found out you were gay through a paparazzi shot, and when I rung you, I got a fucking generic text message back saying you would call me back. But guess what Beca, you never did” Chloe felt the tears fall down her face, and she could see Beca staring at her with an angry look of her face, but she didn’t care. “I spent so long blaming myself Beca, blaming myself for not trying hard enough, for not understanding what you were going through”

 

“You were too obsessed with Chicago to give a shit about me Chloe and you know it” Beca snapped, her voice angry and biting despite the slurring of her words.

 

“Oh you’re going to go there”? Chloe shouted, “You’re going to blame Chicago for this? The man who held me tight as I sobbed over you? He made sure I held it together as you alienated me and basically told me you couldn’t give two shits about me. What more did you want me to do Beca? I spent so long blaming myself for the end of our friendship, but I’m done. You’ve turned into a selfish bitch that cares about nothing or nobody apart from herself”

 

“If you’re done, why are you here”?

 

“I’m here Rebecca, because Jesse called me, because for some reason he still gives a shit about you and he is worried about you”

 

“There’s nothing to worry about, I’m fine” Beca shouted back, “I don’t need Jesse’s help, and I certainly don’t need anybody else’s, especially not yours”

 

“Fine Beca. You know what, I tried but I didn’t come here to be shouted at. I don’t know where my Beca is in there? Maybe you’ve already killed her through the use of these fucking drugs, but you need to take a step back and look at yourself in the mirror, truly, before you lose everything Beca”

 

“Get out” Beca shouted, taking a step towards Chloe in what probably should have been a menacing step, but she was so out of it, she wobbled and stumbled to one side.

 

“You’re pathetic” Chloe whispered as she picked up her handbag and made her way back towards the front door. “I came here to help you, but if you don’t want it I’ll go just like you want, you were so talented, and maybe I don’t understand how fame can affect you and maybe I don't know who you are anymore, but I know that if the Beca from college could see you now she’d be just as disappointed as I am”

 

“I don’t need anything from you Chloe, go back to your precious fiancé and tell Jesse that he isn’t welcome here anymore either. Get the hell out of my life, I pushed you away before, so get the fucking hint and leave me alone. I don't need either of you, I have everything I need right here”

 

Chloe let out a small sob as the anger drained out of her and realised that her worst fear was coming true. Beca was telling her to go.

 

And without looking back, she slammed the door behind her as she left.

 

 _I wear this crown of thorns_  
_Upon my liar's chair_  
 _Full of broken thoughts_  
 _I cannot repair_  
 _Beneath the stains of time_  
 _The feelings disappear_  
 _You are someone else_  
 _I am still right here_

 

Two hours later, Chloe was sat outside a Starbucks with Jesse, cold coffee in her hand and Jesse sipped at an iced lemonade. After she had left Beca’s apartment, she had walked around in circles for an hour in a daze, trying to figure it all out in her head. She had remained in this daze until her phone had rung and Chloe had answered to hear Jesse asking her how it had gone.

 

After hearing the sorrow in her voice, he had organised to meet her at this Starbucks and after he had arrived, she had recounted the tale of what had happened.

 

“I really thought she would listen to you” Jesse sighed, hanging his head sadly as she stirred his lemonade with a straw.

 

“Apparently she doesn’t see me like she once did” Chloe shrugged. She had done what she came here to do. She had tried to talk to Beca, but she had failed and if Beca didn’t want her here, then at least she had played her part and nothing to feel guilty for.

 

“I think it’s more than that though” Jesse replied, “Beca always thought the world of you, and the thought of hurting you or upsetting you used to kill her. That’s why she never told you about her internship at Residual Heat during your final year at Barden”

 

“I don’t think she’s felt like that about anyone for a while” Chloe said.

 

“No, I don’t think she really cares about anything anymore, even when things got tough last year, she would fall back on the music and spend time in her office at home mixing and recording. I don’t think she’s been in there in six months”.

 

“She’s given up on music”? Chloe gasped, music was everything to Beca. Music kept her going when she found out her grandmother had died, the woman she loved more than anything in the world. She had been broken-hearted and locked herself in her room for a whole week, not even letting Chloe in. But eventually, she had come out and wordlessly handed Chloe a USB stick as Chloe had been studying on her bed in her own room. Beca had sat next to Chloe and shrugged as Chloe asked if she wanted her to listen to it. Chloe had opened it and pressed play on the MP3 file on there, only to hear the most beautiful mix up of _Fred Astaire’s ‘Top Hat_ ’ and ‘ _We’ll Meet Again_ ’ by Vera Lynn. They listened in silence, but as it ended Beca had whispered that it was her Gran’s two favourite songs, and they had asked Beca to create it to be played at the funeral. That was when Beca had started sobbing, and she didn’t let up until the sun went down and she fell asleep wrapped in Chloe’s arms.

 

“I think the fame was too much for her” Jesse said, “she got so famous, so quickly and the label just added the pressure to her”

 

“She never did want to be on stage, she just wanted to produce music didn’t she?”

 

“I really don’t know where to go from here, but thank you for trying Chloe. I'll speak to the label this afternoon and see if we can get her into a rehab facility”

 

Chloe drank the last sip of her drink and put it on the table, “I truly hope Beca can get the help she needs Jesse and I truly think she does need professional help now. You can’t do any more than you’ve already done, and it appears that the damage is done with our own relationship”

 

“Please don’t give up on her for good Chlo, she’s still in there somewhere, I know it”

 

“You’re a good person Jesse, let me know if you’re ever in Georgia” Chloe stood up and leaned forward to place a soft kiss on Jesse’s cheek before saying goodbye and beginning the walk back to her hotel.

 

She needed to go home. Home. Chicago.

 

As she strolled back to her hotel, lost in thought, she realised she hadn’t even called Chicago since she arrived. She had text him to let him know her flight had landed but nothing since then. She was meant to be here for two days, but she figured she could go to the airport and get her flight switched to the next one back to Hartsfield-Jackson. So as she walked in the late afternoon sunshine, she dialled up the number she knew by heart and waited until the man she loved answered.

 

“Hi Chlo” he greeted cheerily, “how did it go? How is Beca?”

 

Chloe promptly burst into tears as she heard his voice and recounted her tale to him as well, maybe a shorter version, but obviously with enough detail to prompt the next sentence from the Georgian man.

 

“Did you at least give her chance to explain?” he asked gently, “because it sounds like you never gave her a chance to explain the reason she pushed you away, you just yelled at her because she had”

 

“I told her the truth” Chloe replied, stopping her walk as his words sunk in, “but I was just so angry and in shock, I never truly thought Jesse wasn’t just exaggerating the situation”

 

“I’m not saying you didn’t say the things she needed to hear, and you had every right to be angry. But from what you’ve told me, she’s defensive and maybe that is what happened, she got defensive when you shouted at her and didn’t say what she needed to say” he continued kindly, and Chloe sighed.

 

“You’re right ‘Cago, as always” she chuckled lightly and he laughed down the phone.

 

“I know I am, and you my darling fiancé, you don’t give up, so go and do what you need to do and I will be the other end of the phone when you need me. I love you Chloe”

 

“I love you too Chicago” Chloe replied before hanging up the phone. She ran a hand through her wavy red hair and turned around and started walking in the same direction she had just come back to towards Beca’s apartment. She came here for a reason and she wasn’t going to go home until she had succeeded.

 

 _I wear this crown of thorns_  
_Upon my liar's chair_  
 _Full of broken thoughts_  
 _I cannot repair_  
 _Beneath the stains of time_  
 _The feelings disappear_  
 _You are someone else_  
 _I am still right here_

 

Beca stared at the door as Chloe walked through it, out of her life for the final time. She hadn’t meant to tell the older woman to leave, but she truly didn’t know how else to act. When she had opened the door to see Chloe stood there, she had not known what to do, and apparently neither had Chloe as they had just stared at each other for a few minutes.

 

But seeing the other woman, it was as though the feelings she had tried to ignore, the feeling that had forced her to push the other woman away had just risen back up. The redhead looked gorgeous even in casual clothing and she looked at Beca with a face full of sympathy.

 

As she invited Chloe in, Beca could feel the effects of the cocaine she had taken only minutes before the knock on the door take effect. She felt like she was flying, and she wondered whether Chloe was a mirage, or a figment of her imagination brought on by the drugs.

 

To be honest, Beca couldn’t tell what was real anymore and what wasn’t.

 

As Chloe began to get angry, so did Beca. This was definitely real, Chloe had never been angry like this before so this was something Beca's imagination could dream up. Could Chloe not see how much Beca was hurting? Could she not see how much Beca was not coping despite the lies she told. Had Chloe and her really become so detached they couldn’t see through the walls and the defensive anymore?

 

Beca knew she had screwed up with Chloe. She knew that pushing her away was a mistake, but at the time it was the only thing she could do. Having the redhead in her life hurt, knowing she couldn’t have her the way she wanted her. So pushing her away and numbing the pain with alcohol and drugs and random hook-ups with women were Beca’s way of forgetting.

 

Eventually, even when Chloe was out of her life and Beca felt like she could finally breathe again without the presence of the woman she was so desperately in love with, everything else continued to pile on top of her until she felt like she was suffocating.

 

The drugs gave her an escape, and unfortunately, as Beca knew, she was too far gone to be able to just stop. The coke, the heroin, the vodka... all of it made her feel safe, happy... like she was protected from her own life, the life she had started to hate whilst she was sober.

 

And as Chloe had continued to shout at her, Beca had panicked and told her to leave. The minute it came out of her mouth, Beca knew she had fucked up, even in her delirious drugged up state - because for some reason, right now, the drugs weren’t working.

 

She didn’t feel safe.

 

Chloe Beale was stood in front of her for the first time in over a year, and Beca was terrified that she was going to say something to upset her, and ruin her. God knows Beca had ruined a lot of things in the last year. And Chloe Beale was too beautiful, too special to be tarnished by the shit that Beca had going on in her life now.

 

So Chloe left, just like everyone else had, and Beca didn’t know what to do anymore.

 

She wandered through to her bathroom and just stared  at herself in the mirror just like Chloe had asked. And she looked, really looked for the first time in months.

 

Beca didn’t recognise the person looking back.

 

Who had she become?

 

Chloe, Jesse, Amy, her dad, Aubrey, Jessica, Ashley, Benji, Emily, Cynthia-Rose, Lilly, Flo... had she really managed to push them away?

 

In that instant it all became a bit overwhelming and Beca screamed, lashing out at the mirror in front of her, smashing it repeatedly until it shattered into the sink in front of her. She had cuts on her hands but she didn’t care.

 

How had this happened?

 

She made her way back through to the living room, another hit and she’d be fine. Another shot and it would all go back to normal. Chloe’s visit would be forgotten and she would be able to get through another day, the only way she knew how to nowadays.

 

Chloe was gone, out of her life again and Beca knew Chloe was better off without her. Chloe would be happy with Chicago and Beca would be here in LA, and maybe eventually she would be happy again.

 

The needle went in and she felt all the worries slip away.

 

Maybe happiness was achievable after all?

 

 _What have I become_  
_My sweetest friend_  
 _Everyone I know goes away_  
 _In the end_  
 _And you could have it all_  
 _My empire of dirt_  
 _I will let you down_  
 _I will make you hurt_

Chloe knocked on the front door of Beca’s apartment. Chicago had been right, she hadn’t given Beca chance to explain. She had gotten so caught up with her own feelings she had given in to the anger and not given Beca chance to explain how she felt, and now she felt awful.

  
“Come on Beca, please let me in” she shouted, pounding on the door, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have shouted at you earlier, even if you did deserve it”

 

There was no answer, and as she was turning to leave, she tried the front door handle just in case, and it opened... apparently Beca hadn’t locked it after Chloe had left earlier.

 

Chloe cautiously entered the apartment, half expecting something to be launched at her head. But there was an eerie silence.

 

“Beca”? Chloe called out cautiously, not wanting to spook the younger woman. She stepped further into the apartment, and dropped her handbag as she finally took in the sight in front of her.

 

Beca’s sweatpant clad legs were sticking out from behind the coffee table... her blood ran cold as Chloe ran around the sofa and took in the full scene, Beca lying on the floor, face down with pills and needles surrounding her. She wasn’t moving and her hands were covered with blood. There was a tourniquet tied around her upper right arm and there was a puddle of vomit on the table, a photo of the Bella’s clutched in Beca’s left hand. Chloe felt her heart stop as she ran around to her friend and dropped onto the floor beside her. She felt for a pulse and breathed in relief as she felt one, it was weak but it was there.

 

Chloe rolled Beca over onto her back and slapped her on the cheeks, and Beca coughed and convulsed slightly.

 

“Beca, can you hear me... Beca”? Chloe asked loudly, but Beca wasn’t answering, and as she found herself crying she dragged her friend up off the floor, relieved as she heard Beca groan slightly at the action.

 

“Chloe”? Beca asked quietly, head lolling forward as they made their way through the apartment and Chloe felt herself finally breathe again.

 

“I’m here, stay with me Beca” Chloe said, “God, Beca just stay with me”

 

Beca didn’t weigh much as all as Chloe managed to half drag, half carry her through to the doors on the corridor, opening them one by one until she found the bathroom. She took in the broken mirror and the blood and dragged Beca into the shower, turning it on as cold as it would go.

 

Chloe climbed in to the shower and dragged Beca in after her, holding her up against the wall as the icy cold water rained down on them.

 

“Chloe”? Beca asked again as she finally managed to raise her head and look at Chloe, her eyes struggling to stay open.

 

“I’m here Beca, I’m right here” Chloe replied, her hands curled into the straps of Beca’s tank top as she struggled to hold the brunette upright, Beca unable to support her own weight.

 

“You’re here”? Beca asked, her hands coming up to bunch in the front of Chloe’s t-shirt as though needing to feel solid proof Chloe was there, “you came back”?

 

“I came back Bec, I should never have left” Chloe replied, and she heard Beca release a sob full of pain and disbelief as she continued, "I never should have given up on you"

 

“You came back” Beca cried, as she struggled to keep eye contact with Chloe although the cold water did appear to be reviving her slightly, “I’m so sorry, I should never have pushed you away”

 

“I’ll always be here for you Bec, always, I thought you knew that? Life isn’t pretty and we can all get wrecked and go through hard times but I’m on your side, I always have been. I’m so sorry you thought I wasn’t” Chloe was now crying as well, the tears falling with the water on her face and growing cold.

 

“I can’t do this anymore Chloe, I need help” Beca was crying more than Chloe had ever seen, even after her Gran had died.

 

“I’m going to be here for you,” Chloe promised as Beca’s legs finally buckled and Chloe’s arms weren’t strong enough to catch her. Instead they both sunk to the floor of the shower as the water continued to beat down on them. Their clothes stuck to them and their hair was plastered to their heads and Chloe could no longer feel any part of her body she was so numb to the cold.

 

But as they reached the floor, Beca fell forward into Chloe’s arms and they both sat on the floor, Chloe leaning against the wall with Beca practically in her lap, sobbing into her neck as Chloe’s arms wrapped around the smaller woman. Chloe could feel the sobs wrack Beca’s body as she shook, as Beca wrapped her own arms around Chloe’s neck and back, holding her impossibly close, as though she was scared Chloe was going to run away.

 

“I need help Chloe, I’m so sorry, I need you” Beca repeated into Chloe’s neck, and Chloe shushed her and kissed her head before moving her hands to take Beca’s head gently and pull her back so that Beca was looking at her.

 

“I am going to be here Beca, I’m not going to leave you again” Chloe felt her voice break with a sob as she took in the tears in Beca’s eyes and the pain in her face, and Beca nodded and resumed her position pressed against Chloe’s neck.

 

Chloe doesn’t know how long they sat in a tangle of limbs as she held Beca close, the cold water continuing to beat down on them, the only sounds their sobs and Beca’s quiet apologies. All she knew was that she needed to be here with Beca with whatever happened next, and she knew that Beca had made the first step.

 

She had admitted she needed help.

 

And Chloe was going to be there to give it to her.

 

No matter what.

 

 _If I could start again_  
_A million miles away_  
 _I would keep myself_  
 _I would find a way_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that, please let me know what you thought? The next chapter may be a few days now, I've written this one at midnight, as I'm going to be on night shifts out on site the next two days so won't be able to write. I'll get it to you as soon as I can!


	4. On Your Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Withdrawal is a bitch... can Beca make it through to the end of the process, and even worse, can Chloe stand to watch her best friend fall apart in front of her eyes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is based on the song 'On Your Side' by The Veronicas... (bonus points if you noticed the reference in the last chapter). This chapter gets quite dark in terms of withdrawal symptoms and there is a reference to suicide, so please only read if you feel you are able to. There is a big reveal at the end of this chapter, but it doesn't have a happy ending yet... it will though... eventually... maybe...
> 
> TRIGGER: Heroin / drug withdrawal and reference to suicide.

_If we knew then what we do now_   
_We'd hold our hands and take a bow_   
_Together we would stand our ground and fight_

The lips on her neck were leaving hot, open mouthed kisses against the heated skin as you were pulled impossibly close against the other body. She had lost her clothes across the room at some point and she felt hands gliding over her upper body, up her back to undo her bra before pulling away for a second to allow it to fall to the floor.

 

The blonde woman looked at you for a second, her eyes full of arousal and desire, but you were struggling to stay focussed on her as the drugs coursed through your system. You stumble as she surges forward again and presses your lips together in a desperate kiss. You somehow manage to walk her backwards to the bed and you fall back in a tangle of limbs and you groan as a thigh is pushed between your own as those lips work their way down your body.

 

She pauses and looks up at you just as she’s about to pull you underwear down your legs, she goes to speak, you know she is because you see her mouth open and you groan as she asks you if you’re sure. You answer by pushing her head back between your legs.

 

You weren’t in this for the talking. With your eyes shut you can pretend the blonde hair is actually red, but no one else could possibly sound like her.

 

And as a tongue swipes at you, you let out a small moan. The room is spinning, or maybe it is your mind? You don’t seem to know anymore. You can’t remember the last time you could see clearly, or think clearly. Whenever you get too sober and all the memories and thoughts and feelings come rushing back and you feel like you’re going to be sick as you realise what you’re doing to yourself... and how disappointed she would be in you if she knew what you had become. 

 

You blindly reach out for the bedside table and grasp at the small bag you knew was left on there. Reaching in with your finger, you pull it back out coated with the white powder and put it in your mouth, running it over your teeth.

 

As the fifth... sixth... high of the night takes immediate effect, you relax into the moment, brain swimming into oblivion, and the only thing you can feel is the tongue and the fingers of the nameless, faceless woman you are using to try and feel something other than numb.

 

 _I remember the night we got drunk, I got sick on the subway_  
With your hands on my face said, it don't matter, babe  
'Cause I'm always on your side 

“I know, I love you too” Chloe smiled as she hung up the phone as Chicago said goodbye. As soon as she put the phone back into her pocket, she felt herself sag and she sighed, the tiredness from the previous evening hitting her full force. The joy she felt at speaking to Chicago had gone. The bubble she had been in as she spoke to him has broken away and she was reminded of the very stark reality she was in. She had called him to tell him what had happened the previous night and to let him know she probably wouldn’t be home for a few weeks.

 

Talking to him about it made the ‘ _Beca Situation_ ’ seem lighter, someone much less than it was. But now he was gone and Chloe was stood in the middle of Beca’s Los Angeles apartment by herself, she realised she had absolutely no idea what she was doing.

 

Beca was going to need actual help.

 

Professional help...

 

Chloe didn’t know the first thing about addictions, other than they killed people. She knew that the side effects from withdrawal from Heroin and Cocaine was scary and painful and she knew Beca would need more than what she herself could give her. Her knowledge came from episodes of CSI and Law and Order.

 

The night before had been terrifying and difficult. Chloe moved over to the sofa and ran her hand through her red hair as she sat down, trying not to look at the spot she had found Beca laying in the night before. In the split second before she reacted and ran over to her friend, she had honestly thought she was dead.

 

(She was trying not to think about it because it made her want to curl up and sob and that wasn’t going to help anyone).

 

She had managed to get them both out of the shower and into dry clothes when she realised that Beca was starting to shake uncontrollably and her lips had started to turn blue. Realising that is Beca was awake and able to talk she was probably out of danger, not to mention the cold of the water had brought her body temperature down (that had been in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy) which offset some of the effects of the drugs.

 

Beca had stood in the middle of the bedroom as Chloe had gently pulled her tank top over her head, internally cringing as she realised just how tiny her friend had gotten. Her ribs were now clearly visible through her skin, and she was so pale she looked like she had already died. Chloe had gently pulled a thick fluffy jumper over her friends head and then towel dried her hair. She had then pulled Beca’s wet sweatpants off and helped her into a dry pair before settling her into her bed.

 

As Chloe had gotten up to leave, Beca had grabbed her hand and whispered for her to stay – and Chloe, not knowing what else she could do simply nodded and peeled off her wet jeans and t-shirt and slipped under the covers  next to the brunette.

 

(Chloe pulled Beca closer to her and wrapped her arms around her, and if Chloe told herself it was because Beca was still shivering and not because she had missed the feeling of her tiny friend falling asleep next to her, she could blame it on the fact Beca had almost died).

 

Chloe had awoken the next day and pulled on her now dry jeans and t-shirt as she slipped from the room. Beca had remained fast asleep for the next couple of hours as Chloe had tidied up the apartment. She boxed up all the drugs and needles and put them under the sink – as much as she wanted to throw them away, she knew it wasn’t her place. She cleared up the vomit and the blood and swept up the broken shards of mirror and made a mental note to check on Beca’s hands when she woke up.

 

After bleaching the table and the floor around the coffee table, Chloe had then remembered to call Chicago and let him know what had been going on.

 

Chloe had made the decision in the shower the night before that she wouldn’t leave Beca until Beca was ready to be on her own, and goodness knows how much recovery time that would take. She had made a promise, and Chloe Beale did not break promises.

 

She called her boss, and after a honest conversation (not naming any names of course, and if Chloe had maybe lied and said to her boss Beca was her younger sister, then she was going to stick to it) Chloe was granted a leave of absence to cover a family emergency.

 

It was about the time Chloe got off the phone with her mum as she updated her on the situation that Beca finally made her way out of the bedroom.

 

She didn’t say a word as she looked at Chloe sitting on her sofa, even if she did freeze momentarily and do a double take. She didn’t say a word as she padded to the kitchen still in her sweatpants and fluffy jumper, a pair of ridiculously fluffy socks now adorning her feet. She didn’t say a word as she got a bottle of orange juice out of the fridge and shakily poured herself a glass. She didn’t say a word as she walked down into the living room and sat next to Chloe on the sofa, setting her glass on the now clean coffee table. Both women sat facing forward for a few minutes, unsure how to start the conversation.

 

“You’re still here” Beca eventually whispered as she turned to look at Chloe.

 

“I promised you I would be” Chloe replied... “How much do you remember from last night”?

 

“I remember you leaving, and then we were in the shower and you looked after me” Beca scrunched her face up as she struggled to remember the details. To Chloe, just for a second, she looked like the old Beca who would pull a scrunchy face when she couldn’t quite figure out a mashup, or when she couldn’t get the dishwasher in their Brooklyn apartment to work because Fat Amy had once again forgotten to scrape her leftovers into the bin before loading it.

 

“Is that it”?

 

“I’m sorry Chloe, for what it’s worth, I never actually wanted you to see that” Beca apologised, looking away again.

 

Chloe reached out a hand and placed it on top of the one Beca had gently resting on the sofa, pulling back when she felt Beca flinch. She tried not to let the hurt show in her face, but based on Beca’s soft apology she knew she had probably failed.

 

It was weird, she surmised.

 

For the last year, all she had wanted was for Beca to be by her side once again, but here she was yet Chloe had never felt farther apart from her. They didn’t know how to be around each other any more.

 

Beca had been right the day before, she didn’t know how her any more. Beca wasn’t the same person, and neither was Chloe.

 

They sat in silence again.

 

“Where did you put, uhm... everything”? Beca asked, gesturing at the table in front of them.

 

“Away” Chloe replied, “I didn’t get rid of them if that’s what you’re asking. That wasn’t my place Bec, you need to make that decision for yourself”

 

“I don’t know how to do this Chloe” Beca whispered, and Chloe was alarmed to see tears building in her friends eyes, “I haven’t gone longer than a few hours without using for the last few months, and I’m scared,”

 

“I’m not going anywhere Beca. We can figure it out together” Chloe smiled, and when Beca gave her a shy smile back, it gave her hope that things maybe... just maybe... things would be okay.

 

_Life isn't pretty, we all get a little wrecked sometimes_   
_If God's listening, people think you're out of your mind_   
_Even if you believe it_   
_Through all the hard times, I'm on your side_   
_On your side, I'm on your side, On your side_

It hurt.

 

Beca couldn’t accurately describe which part of her body hurt as it had all merged into one. She was lying on the floor in her bathroom hoping the cool tiles would help to sooth her heated skin but it wasn’t doing anything. Her body felt both simultaneously like it was on fire and freezing cold, and she felt like there were bugs crawling over her skin.

 

The first twelve hours had been bearable and Beca had found herself thinking that it would be okay. Maybe she wasn’t as addicted as some people, maybe they had all been exaggerating when she spoke of the withdrawal.

 

It was not okay.

 

It had now been four days and she had alternated the last few days by lying on the sofa, lying in bed and crawling along the floor in agony, fighting the temptation to find the box Chloe had hidden and take another hit, just to help her through it.

 

But Chloe hadn’t left her side, even as Beca had screamed and cried and swore at her to get out or leave her alone. As soon as she realised what she had said, Beca had apologised and then clung to Chloe as another wave of nausea passed over her.

 

The nausea had soon turned into vomiting so severe Beca thought her stomach was going to come up through her throat and she thought she might pass out. She wasn’t strong enough to stand up over the toilet so a bucket next to her as she lay on the floor was all she had.

 

She had yet to stop sweating and despite the multiple changes of clothes per day, she seemed to be permanently drenched in her own sweat. Her muscles and bones were aching to the point she couldn’t now move off the floor, even if she wanted to and she was exhausted. She hadn’t slept in three days, the agony too great and it was taking a further toll on her body.

 

As another bout of vomiting hit her, she didn’t even have the energy to lift her head over her bucket next to her. How she was still throwing up she didn’t know, she hadn’t been able to eat or drink anything for the past two days and she was severely dehydrated.

 

She wanted Chloe.

 

Chloe had had to pop out and get her some drugs - Suboxone to be exact. Beca had refused to leave the apartment and refused to let anyone else see her like this except Chloe, despite Chloe pleading for her to let a doctor come round. Beca had originally wanted to do this alone without any outside help. She got herself into this, and she could get herself out of it.

 

But she completely underestimated the power of heroin.

 

It was as though the drug had taken the form of a devil, as black as night with claws that had sunk in to Beca’s skin holding on to her and not wanting to let her go. Her entire body called out for a hit, something to ease the pain, something to get her through the next 24 hours, but she didn’t know how much longer she could hold on. So she asked Chloe to call the label and get them to send out their doctor. The doctor was round and evaluating her in a matter of hours, and had prescribed Suboxone, a newer type of drug than methadone to help addicts overcome withdrawal. It worked well because it meant Beca could be treated at home; she didn’t have to leave the house where someone could potentially see her and figure out the secret.

 

Unfortunately, the doctor wasn’t allowed to just carry suboxone, and without an analysis he hadn’t been able to just bring the dosage needed.

 

So Chloe had been gone for half an hour to file the prescription at the Pharmacy five blocks over. She had argued with the doctor that Beca shouldn’t be left on her own, but the doctor had solemnly told her that Beca was in such a bad way, she wouldn’t have the energy to move from her spot on the floor anyway, let alone find the drugs and inject herself.

 

Beca had heard that through her haze, it was getting more and more difficult to concentrate, and she wanted to swear and shout at him for being a dick, but then realised that her hands had started shaking so bad she wouldn’t be able to inject herself anyway.

 

Chloe had lamented, and with a kiss to Beca’s forehead and a promise to be as quick as possible, she was gone and Beca was alone.

 

The thought that Chloe was coming back with something to help her was the only thing running through her mind, and Beca dragged herself from the floor of the bathroom into the shower – away from the puddle of vomit on the floor. She lay on the slightly rained floor of the shower in fetal position wishing the ground would just open up and take her away from it all. Her heart was beating faster than it ever had before in her life, and she couldn’t remember a time when things didn’t hurt – physically and emotionally.

 

The sweat was pouring off her and she couldn’t stop shaking. Beca couldn’t work out which way was up, or where she was. It still felt like there were insects crawling out of her skin.

 

This was how Chloe found her.

 

Sobbing and screaming on the floor of the shower, with her hands clawing at her skin, covered in sweat and a body that couldn’t keep itself still.

_I still wear your t-shirt out_   
_All the ink is faded now_   
_I wonder who you're dreaming of tonight_

_I remember the night when you packed all your bags in the doorway_   
_Said, I don't wanna fight, you can leave, but remember I'm always_   
_On your side_

 

The queue at the Pharmacy had been longer than Chloe had wanted it to be, which meant the 30 minute journey there and back had turned into nearly an hour.

 

As she pretty much ran the last few blocks to Beca’s apartment building, she started to mentally prepare herself for what she may find on the other side of the door. The scenarios she had pictures were Beca destroying the apartment, of Beca having found the drugs she had previously hidden and taken a hit, or even worse, she could be d... No. Chloe thought, she refused to think of that scenario.

 

The elevator arrived and Chloe couldn’t help but think it was like déjà vu to the last time she had arrived at Beca’s apartment and found her on the floor. Using the key she had swiped from a bowl by Beca’s front door, she let herself in.

 

She heard Beca before she made it back to the bathroom. She could hear the sobbing and the screaming and she could feel her own heart break at the pain she felt coming from the small brunette. She opened the prescription bag as she walked and opened the box. The pharmacist – and the doctor – had all told her exactly how they should be taken. One pill under the tongue and left to dissolve, take another 20 minutes later, and then another twenty minutes after that.

 

The sight that greeted her as she pushed open the bathroom was not likely to be a sight she would forget in a hurry.

 

Beca looked impossibly small on the tiles of the shower floor, her grey sweatpants and blue t-shirt were soaked through and turned even darker, and she could see Beca’s eyes darting back in her head. She was visibly shivering but her hands were clawing at her skin, grabbing at her clothes, and she was impossibly pale.

 

Chloe dropped to the floor just outside of the shower (avoiding the puddle of vomit) and grabbed Beca by the chin.

 

“Open your mouth Bec, I have the medicine so you should start to feel better soon” Chloe reasoned, feeling tears well up in her own eyes as Beca managed to look up at her with such pain and despair Chloe almost felt it herself.

 

“I can’t do this any more Chlo, please, just kill me” Beca sobbed, blindly reaching out for Chloe, her left hand grasping the front of Chloe’s hoodie.

 

“You’re gonna be okay Beca, just open your mouth for me and lift your tongue, hold this tablet under there and let it dissolve” Chloe pleaded, holding out the small orange tablet, it took a minute, but eventually Beca complied and Chloe was able to slide the small pill into Beca’s mouth.

 

Beca heaved.

 

“It tastes so bad” she sobbed, “I’d rather be dead. Please Chloe, help me”

 

“I promise you’ll start to feel better soon” Chloe whispered, tears running down her own cheeks as she grasped Beca’s hand.

 

It took two more tablets over the course of the next hour, but eventually, Beca’s sobbing subsided and her cries of pain thinned to basically nothing.

 

“Let’s get you into bed Beca” Chloe said, as she managed to pull Beca up off the floor.

 

“Bed sounds good” Beca replied, and Chloe took her in as she managed to hold her own weight in a standing position for the first time in three days. The sweating seemed to have calmed down and she was no longer shivering. Her hands and features were still and her eyes seemed clearer than they had in days, despite them being hooded with exhaustion.

 

They slowly walked through to Beca’s bedroom, and as Chloe got Beca settled, she was about to leave to go and tidy the bathroom and get herself something to eat when a hand shot out and Beca asked her to stay in a small, rather shy voice. Chloe agreed readily, and she slid in behind the brunette and pulled the smaller woman in towards her, spooning her in what she hoped was comforting.

 

“This is nice” Beca hummed, as she brought her hand up and placed it over Chloe’s, “I’ve missed this”

 

“Me too Bec, we went from sharing a bed in Brooklyn to being thousands of miles apart. I’ve really missed you” Chloe breathed, realising that this seemed to be  the most lucid Beca had been since Chloe had first arrived back in LA almost five days ago.

 

“I’m sorry” Beca whispered, “I really am”

 

“Hey, don’t be silly. We need to talk about it at some point, but not now, you need to concentrate on getting better”

 

“Maybe, but I feel a bit dizzy and I’m exhausted so you’ll have to forgive me because I'm probably not going to remember the last few days, but I need to say this... please don’t hold it against me in the morning” Beca whispered, and Chloe felt her stomach plummet. She didn’t know what Beca was about to say, but she felt the atmosphere in the room change and she knew Beca was slightly delirious from exhausted, and whatever other side effects the suboxone could have given her, but she suddenly had to know – with every fibre of her being – what Beca needed to say.

 

“I’m here, I’m on your side” Chloe assured her, “I promise I won’t hold anything against you”

 

“It’s your fault” Beca started and Chloe turned cold, _what did Beca mean? What did she do_? “You being so perfect and beautiful and kind and you tore my walls down and I let you in. And then Chicago came along with his perfectness and you were so perfect together it made me feel awful. Why would you pick me over him? He’s the male version of you, and I tried to hate him, but I couldn’t. He was handsome and funny and he cared about you. He was your other half. I’m just some alt girl with ear monstrosities and a bad attitude, but you did it”

 

Chloe had tensed up, she knew where this monologue was heading, but she needed to hear it, “What did I do Beca”?

 

Beca yawned, “you made me fall in love with you, and that’s why I pushed you away. I couldn’t be around you without being reminded that you would never be mine, and it hurt too much”

 

“Beca, I’m so sorry” Chloe breathed, clenching her eyes tight as the tears started to fall freely. It all made sense now. The cryptic texts, the not telling Chloe she was gay, the comments by Amy and Aubrey... “Why didn’t you tell me... Beca”?

 

There was no answer. Beca had fallen asleep. Chloe gently extracted herself from the bed and from the brunette and stood for a minute, watching the smaller woman sleep with a peaceful look on her face – for the first time since Chloe had arrived in LA. Chloe ran her hands over her face, wiping away the tears. She didn’t know what to do...

Chloe didn’t feel that way about Beca, she was in love with Chicago. Would Beca even remember this in the morning?

 

The room suddenly felt very small, so she made her way out of it as quickly, and as quietly as she could. She got herself a drink and went out on to the balcony, watching the sun set as she tried to slow her heart rate and calm her breathing. It took her a few minutes, but she realised she had three options.

 

  1. Hope that Beca didn’t remember all of this in the morning.
  2. If she did, let her down gently and eventually... hopefully... work through things to become friends again.
  3. Pack her bag and run away back to Georgia, back to her fiancé and her life.



 

Number three was automatically out. She had made Beca a promise, and she did love the younger woman, just not in the way Beca apparently loved her. Beca was her best friend, they had connected in a way even Chloe and Aubrey hadn’t and she would not abandon her, especially not now.

 

Number two was the most viable option based that she didn’t know if Beca would remember or not, and as Chloe wasn’t psychic she couldn’t make up that probability so number one wasn’t even an option.

 

As the sun dipped below the horizon, Chloe let herself back in to the apartment. Whatever tomorrow brought, she would deal with it. Because she had promised Beca she would be on her side, and she wouldn’t let her be alone like this ever again.

 

It was going to be a long night...

 

_Life isn't pretty, we all get a little wrecked sometimes_   
_If God's listening, people think you're out of your mind_   
_Even if you believe it_   
_Through all the hard times, I'm on your side_   
_On your side_   
_I'm on your side_   
_On your side..._


	5. Paralyzed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress is made as Beca decides that she won't lose Chloe again. And she decides to go and see someone for proper help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this chapter guys, some of you made great points in your comments so I've re-planned where this story is going to go. Whilst Bechloe is still endgame, I've added in an extra four chapters to make it seem more natural - although there will be a few time jumps coming up. I hope you enjoy this chapter, it is more of a filler but it does help us understand where Beca is at this chapter.

_When did I become so numb?_   
_When did I lose myself?_   
_All the words that leave my tongue_   
_Feel like they came from someone else_

 

Chloe reluctantly woke up the next morning, not that she had slept much anyway. She had spent half the night in Beca’s spare bedroom curled up in a small ball, Beca’s words running through her head.

 

 _Beca was in love with her_?

 

How long had Beca been in love with her? Did any of the other Bella’s know about Beca’s feelings, and if so why didn’t they tell her?

 

The thoughts swirled around in Chloe’s mind, reliving memories of the past before things had gone so wrong between them – although at least now she seemed to have a reason as to why Beca pushed her away – and they seemed to be so different now.

 

Beca had never been fond of contact, she preffered personal space and at least two feet of space between her and all other people at all times.

 

Except for Chloe...

 

Beca would take her hand when they were out food shopping for the Bella’s house, she would cuddle with Chloe during those obligatory Bella’s movie nights, and always save Chloe a dance at the hood night parties. Beca always made sure that they had Chloe’s favourite brand of tea in the house – and later in their flat in Brooklyn. She always stocked Chloe’s favourite wine in LA, just in case Chloe decided to turn up after Vet School.

 

It hit Chloe all at once and she got up and ran to the en-suite as she heaved the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

 

 _How had she been so blind_?

 

Beca had been struggling with not only being gay, but being in love with her best friend? Chloe knew what unrequited love felt like, and it hurt, it hurt a lot. And even in her case, he had been a guy in her class and whilst they used to chat at parties and send occasional fun snapchats, that was the extent of their interactions. Chloe couldn’t even imagine the pain Beca had gone through at having to pretend every day.

 

She sat on the toilet seat, after shakily standing up and wiping her mouth on the back of her hand.

 

What was she going to do?

 

_I'm paralyzed_   
_Where are my feelings?_   
_I no longer feel things_   
_I know I should_   
_I'm paralyzed_   
_Where is the real me?_   
_I’m lost and it kills me inside_   
_I'm paralyzed_

 

As it turned out, Chloe needn’t have worried about what she was going to do when Beca woke up.

 

Beca didn’t seem to remember anything from the night before as she walked through to the kitchen. Chloe had sat at the table, toast and eggs in front of her and she pushed the box of suboxone at Beca with a small smile, knowing she was probably starting to feel the effects of the withdrawal starting to awaken in her again.

 

“Thanks Chloe” Beca whispered as she put a tablet in her mouth, grimacing at the putrid taste.

 

“How are you feeling”? Chloe asked tentatively as she concentrated on her breakfast, purposely avoiding eye contact with Beca.

 

“Like shit,” Beca sighed as she sat at the table, in the seat furthest away from Chloe, “but at least I can stand up again”

 

“Not that you’re that much taller when you’re stood up” Chloe joked, forgetting herself for a second, forgetting that she was meant to be treading carefully.

 

Beca let out a belly laugh, and she smiled a real smile that reached her eyes for the first time since Chloe arrived in LA, and Chloe thought she looked beautiful, despite wearing sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt that was too long for her as she bunched the end of the sleeves in fists.

 

“I mean, it’s true, but that’s still mean” Beca replied, before an uncomfortable silence settled over them.

 

Chloe shifted awkwardly in her seat... it seemed that despite the two instances where Beca had opened up to her, sobbed on her and clung to her like she needed her like life itself, when she was lucid enough to be aware, things went back to them being technically strangers under the same roof.

 

“Listen, Chlo, I’m sorry” Beca said in a small voice, causing Chloe to look up from her plate, her stomach in her throat and her heart beating wildly in anticipation of what Beca was going to say.

“What for”?

 

“Everything” Beca shrugged, hands fidgeting on the table as she nervously wrung her fingers together through the sleeves of her shirt. “I’m sorry for dragging you away from your life in Georgia, I’m sorry for putting you through the shit I’ve put you through the last few days, you shouldn’t have had to peel me off the floor – twice I might add – especially after ignoring you for the past year.

 

“I can’t apologise enough for what I’ve done and how I’ve behaved, I have... I have no excuse for it, except that I was in deep, deeper than I ever thought I could be, and then the drugs came in, and then I was drowning”

 

Chloe felt tears appear in her eyes as she watched Beca stammer her way through her apology, this is all she ever wanted from the brunette, but she could only wish it was under different circumstances.

 

“Becs, I promised you all those years ago at that first hood night that we were going to be really fast friends. You needed me, and I was here – I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s the same as it was because it isn’t, but I keep my promises” Chloe replied, smiling.

 

“Even so, I don’t really remember a lot from the past few days, or the past few months really, but from what I do remember, you saved me. You are the only person that’s been able to get through to me in the last few months, and I can never thank you enough” Beca looked up from the table as she finished her sentence and made eye contact with Chloe.

 

Chloe smiled back.

 

_When did I become so cold?_   
_When did I become ashamed? (oh)_   
_Where's the person that I know?_   
_They must have left_   
_They must have left_   
_With all my faith_

 

After that conversation over breakfast, things got surprisingly easier over the next week. It became apparent that Beca didn’t remember her declaration of love, and Chloe was trying to keep things as normal as they could be.

 

She spoke to Chicago every day, and she missed him terribly, but she was getting used to living with Beca again, and despite the warmth of LA, and the fact that Beca clearly wasn’t broke anymore (and the apartment they were in actually had a door blocking off the toilet) it was starting to feel like they were back in New York.

 

Whilst things still weren’t perfect, they had come a long way in the last week. Beca’s withdrawal symptoms were finally starting to slow down, and she was taking less of the Suboxone per day. She had started eating proper food again, and her face had become less sallow. She smiled more, and she would now sit near Chloe on the sofa to watch a TV show or a film, instead of sitting as far away as possible.

 

Whilst they still hadn’t had any physical contact, save  for the two times Chloe peeled Beca off the bathroom floor and the time Chloe held Beca as she came up from her withdrawal low, the conversation had started to feel natural again. They bantered light-heartedly back and forth whilst remembering things from College or reminiscing something Fat Amy had once done and chatted steadily whilst cooking dinners together.

 

But Chloe knew it couldn’t last.

 

She had to go home at some point.

 

She broached the subject on the Sunday, ten days after she had arrived in LA, as Beca sat with a book on the couch.

  
“Beca, have you thought about what you’re going to do after I leave”? Chloe asked as she put her laptop on the coffee table.

 

“Uhm, I’ve not really thought about it” Beca sighed, running her hand through her hair as she put her book on the table near Chloe’s laptop. “I guess I’m trying to take it a day at a time”

 

“That’s understandable, and I am so proud of how far you’ve come Becs, but I can’t stay here forever” Chloe said softly, reaching her hand across the space between them so that it lay next to Beca’s. Beca pulled her hand away, and Chloe tried not to think about how much that hurt.

 

“I know you can’t, but I guess selfishly, I have gotten used to having someone here – well, someone who isn’t using me for my fame or my money anyway” Beca replied.

 

“Have you thought about going to see a therapist Beca”? Chloe asked, “it may help you refocus and help you work out everything that is going on in your head”

 

“Maybe” Beca shrugged, “I’ll think about it”

 

_I'm paralyzed_   
_Where are my feelings?_   
_I no longer feel things_   
_I know I should_   
_I'm paralyzed_   
_Where is the real me?_   
_I’m lost and it kills me inside_   
_I'm paralyzed_

Two days later, Beca was sat on a plush couch in a therapist’s office in downtown LA. The room was large and painted in a weird apricot colour and there was a bookshelf along the entire left wall, with windows along the right wall. There was a dark oak coffee table in front of the sofa (which was a deep green colour), which was covered in magazines and leaflets promoting self help and rehabs.

 

In an armchair on her left, sat a therapist hired by the label – somehow, even after almost ten years, Beca is unable to say no to Chloe Beale. Dr Isles was a middle aged woman who oozed confidence and class, from her posture, to the loose blonde curls she wore her hair in, to the outfit she was wearing (grey trousers, a white chiffon blouse and a pair of Louboutins that were taller than the entirely of Beca’s body.

 

She was looking intently at Beca, holding a notebook and a pen, but had yet to say anything except when she welcomed Beca for her appointment. Beca for her part was getting more and more nervous by the second. She was twisting the end of her long sleeve shirt in her hands as she leant forward, resting her elbows on her jean-clad knees.

 

Beca could hear the clock ticking on the wall.

 

“So, Beca,” Dr Isles started, “could you please tell me – in your own words – why you are here”?

 

“I’m sure the label told you why I came here” Beca replied, clasping her hands and looking at Dr Isles who was smiling gently at her.

 

“Yes, but I would like to hear from you what happened”

 

“Okay” Beca took a deep breath and sat back against the – really comfortable – cusions on the couch and held her hands in her lap, “So I guess I’m here because I got addicted to heroin and cocaine, and I’m still really struggling”

 

“What would you say was the driving force behind the addicition Beca”? Dr Mitchell asked, “why did you start taking drugs in the first place”?

 

And that was that.

 

Beca recounted the whole story.

 

She told Dr Isles about how she met Chloe in college, how she fell in love with her and how she resigned herself to just being her best friend as Chloe was as straight as they come. How we watched Chloe fall for Chicago. The stress of being on tour, and how she fucked up the best friendship she had ever had by pushing Chloe away. How Chloe got engaged and Beca gave in to peer pressure (beyond the cigarettes and weed she had been smoking up until that point) and started snorting cocaine, which soon morphed into heroin, which resulted in her fucking up her entire life. She finished off the story with how Chloe Beale peeled her off the bathroom floor – twice – and is now living with her.

 

“And now, I’ve been clean for eight days, and I’m not coping. I spend all day thinking about sneaking away from Chloe and finding the box she hid in my house and having one last hit. And whilst the side effects are fading, I still wake up in the night after nightmares and I feel like I’m wading through a fog” Beca finished off, swallowing hard and wiping under her eyes angrily, the tears falling without her consent.

 

“Thank you for sharing Beca, I understand that may have been difficult for you. But can you please just expand on what you meant by wading through a fog”? Dr Isles asked.

 

“I don’t feel like I have purpose right now. I wake up, I spend the entire day watching TV or reading or talking to Chloe, all the whilst trying to ignore the need to take more drugs” Beca said, avoiding eye contact with the Doctor, “I just don’t know where to go from here”

 

“And living with Chloe, how has that been for you”? Dr Isles asked as she made a note in her notebook.

 

“Difficult” Beca whispered, “In a way it’s exactly what I’ve always wanted, just not in the context I wanted”

 

“Have you ever thought about telling Chloe how you feel”? Dr Isles pushed, as she sat back and swapped legs that were crossed.

 

“No” Beca replied instantly, “I couldn’t ruin our friendship”

 

“Didn’t you do that anyway when you pushed her away”?

 

“Okay, fuck you” Beca spat as she sat up straight and glared at the doctor, and then thought about it for a second and sank back again, all the sudden gusto disappearing from her body. “Sorry, that was uncalled for”

 

“That’s okay; emotions are welcome in here Beca” Dr Isles smiled and Beca immediately felt guiltier for snapping at the woman who was only trying to help.

 

“I guess, telling Chloe and losing her is worse than pushing her away, because at least if I push her away, that’s on my terms and it’s my decision” Beca said, running her hand through her hair, “I just don’t know what to do”

 

“Look, Beca, you can either tell Chloe how you feel and take the risk, or continue to make things awkward and risk losing her anyway” Dr Isles put her notebook down and sat forwards in her chair and smiled widely at Beca. “Everyone knows that your biggest love – your biggest passion – is music, it is apparent in everything you do. You say that that you wanted to be a music producer, to be behind the spotlight, but now you are front and centre and everything to do is for your job or for your image. . My point being, you are everywhere and everything you now do, or say is scrutinised by the public”

 

“Is this supposed to be helping”?

 

“Beca, when was the last time you wrote or produced music for you, just to make you happy or to express how you are feeling”?

 

_Well, damn._

 

....

When she got home, Beca shut herself in her studio with a notebook, not even leaving the room to eat when Chloe called her for dinner. Seven hours later, and she sat back looking at her laptop screen with a smile on her face.

 

“Beca, I’m going to bed, are you okay”? Beca heard Chloe ask as there was a knock on the door.

 

“I’m fine, Chloe” Beca replied, before thinking for a second. Despite what was happening between them, Chloe had always been her best friend and her biggest fan and had always supported her 100% - even more so these past few weeks.

 

Beca wished so much that she hadn’t fallen to be such a cliché – falling in love with her straight tbest friend. But she had, and whilst having Chloe here was terrifying and heartbreaking, she thinks she was more terrified of Chloe going back to Georgia and being left alone again. So she did what she thought she needed, she took a deep breath and let Chloe in.

 

“You can come in” Beca called softly and she span around in her chair as Chloe cautiously walked through the door. She looked beautiful, in a pair of blue and grey plaid pyjama bottoms and a plain white t-shirt and her hair hanging loosely around her shoulders in soft curls.

 

Beca thought she looked perfect, and once again she cursed the universe for making her fall in love with this angel, but she thanked it for bringing Chloe Beale into her life in the first place. Dr Isles was right, if she wasn’t going to tell Chloe how she felt, she had to try and make things as normal as possible because she didn’t think she could bear losing Chloe again.

 

“You never said how your session went today Bec, are you okay”? Chloe asked as she tentatively walked over to the spare chair next to Beca.

 

“It was, helpful I guess” Beca shrugged, not wanting to get into the ins and outs of the session, “but one thing she did say was that it may help me to write down how I’m feeling, well, with music. So that’s what I’ve done. Uhm, I’ve written a song, and probably the first song I’ve written since my last album was released, before this whole mess started and I want you to hear it”

 

The smile that appeared on Chloe’s face was probably the biggest smile that Beca had ever seen her wear, and so, feeling slightly reassured that this wasn’t a terrible idea, she pressed play on her laptop and the room filled with music.

 

_When did I become so numb?_   
_When did I lose myself?_   
_All the words that leave my tongue_   
_Feel like they came from someone else_

_I'm paralyzed_   
_Where are my feelings?_   
_I no longer feel things_   
_I know I should_   
_I'm paralyzed_   
_Where is the real me?_   
_I’m lost and it kills me inside_   
_I'm paralyzed_

As the song continued, Beca watched Chloe’s expression change from one of pure joy at the thought Beca was doing what she loved again, to one of complete sadness. Chloe stared at Beca with furrowed eyebrows, tears in her eyes and her hands clasped in her lap as she listened to Beca pour her soul out into song. As the final notes trailed off, Beca sat and waited.

 

“Bec” Chloe started, her voice breaking, “is that how you feel”?

 

Beca nodded, unable to bring herself to speak as she stared down at her hands, suddenly terrified that she had said too much and Chloe would be overwhelmed and run out on her. Instead she felt the air change, and she looked up to see Chloe sat right in front of her – apparently she needed to get noisier wheelie chairs in her studio – and then Chloe reached out her own hands and grasped Beca’s gently, before slowly standing and pulling Beca up with her.

 

They stood with their hands joined for several long seconds, before Chloe let go, stepped forwards and pulled Beca into a hug. The first hug they had shared since reuniting two weeks ago.

 

“I’m so proud of you Beca, that song is beautiful and heartbreaking” Chloe whispered, “and you are going to make the world a better place with your music, as always Beca Mitchell”

 

Beca wrapped her arms around the taller woman, and melted into the embrace at Chloe’s words. Chloe still smelt exactly the same, she felt exactly the same and Beca relaxed, fully relaxed for the first time in months.

 

She was going to be okay.


	6. Dust to Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe goes back to Atlanta and Chicago, and things start to have a different meaning to her as Beca's confession whirls around in her head and she comes to a realisation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably the longest chapter I have written so far, so I hope you can make it through without falling asleep.  
> I am slightly nervous around this one, as this is what I was aiming for the whole time, I just hope it seems natural enough based on what has happened in the story so far.  
> The song is Dust to Dust by The Civil Wars.

_It's not your eyes_  
_It's not what you say_  
_It's not your laughter that gives you away_  
_You're just lonely_  
_You've been lonely, too long_

The next week passed as they had before. Beca had yet to venture out of the apartment except for her daily therapy sessions with Dr Isles as dictated by the label. When she started getting better and making progress then it would be cut back to twice weekly, then weekly and so on.

 

But Beca already felt better for talking to someone completely separate from her situation. Chloe had been amazing, but there were things Beca knew she could _NEVER_ tell her. Chloe had always been an intense person who put everybody before herself. This is why Beca had never been able to say no to her, even when she felt like she was on fire on the inside as he brain told her it was a bad idea. Chloe Beale was the one person in the world who loved everybody equally and didn’t have a bad bone in her body.

 

Chloe Beale was sunshine personified. She gave out hugs to random strangers in the street if she thought they looked sad and was the most touchy feely person Beca had ever met. Chloe was the person everyone in the Bella house had gone to with their problems for a hug and a pint of ice cream. She was the person that ensured that everyone had a voice and were able to be honest and just be themselves. She was the person that everyone wanted to be friends with and she was adored by everyone who met her, which is one of the reasons Beca couldn’t believe Chloe had picked her as a best friend.

 

After all, why would sunshine personified want to be friends with a cranky, moody, alternative girl with personal space issues?

 

In short, Chloe Beale was the person that loved unconditionally, and Beca knew that she would take it upon herself to fix every problem Beca had – which was one of the reasons Beca knew Chloe had gotten on that plane to LA in the first place when Jesse had called.

 

_And Beca knew that Chloe would destroy herself in knowing she couldn’t help Beca this time._

 

So Dr Isles had been a Godsend. She listened to Beca’s voice, whether through actually talking to her, or thought listening to the songs Beca had been churning out almost daily since she had started her therapy.

 

But Beca knew it was only a matter of time before Chloe left to go back to Georgia, back to Columbus and Fort Benning... back to Chicago. She had been mentally steeling herself for it, yet she didn’t realise how much it would hurt to hear Chloe say it.

 

Beca had simply smiled, nodded and told her that yes, she had been here a month and she was doing okay. Of course she had to go home.

 

She had then locked herself in her studio and written a new song. She knew it was coming, yet it didn’t make the thought of losing the redhead from her any less painful.

 

Apparently, letting Chloe Beale back in to her life only to lose her again hurt more than pushing her away.

_All your actin'_  
_Your thin disguise_  
_All your perfectly delivered lies_  
_They don't fool me_  
_You've been lonely, too long_

It was Chloe’s last night in LA before she departed the city to go back to her life in Georgia, and the redhead could honestly say she didn’t think leaving the tiny brunette would be as difficult as it was proving to be.

 

She of course had booked her flight home, spoken to Chicago about being picked up from the airport and organised her shifts the following week with her boss after informing him she would be coming back to home.

 

She didn’t know why she had burst into tears in the shower that morning at the thought of Beca not being in her life daily any more.

 

But now, sitting on the sofa following dinner as the orange sun set outside – a common occurrence in LA – bathing the apartment in golden light as Beca sat next to her with her laptop.

 

The first week, when Beca admitted she had a problem and screamed her way through the withdrawal had been the worst week of Chloe’s life and she hadn’t wanted to leave the singers side at all. It has destroyed her to see the brunette in so much pain and not be able to do anything to help. But then the Suboxone had happened, and she had heard Beca’s confession which she had tried to forget about and keep things as normal as possible – a confession Beca would have never made sober Chloe deduced so it was unfair of her to mention it or make things weird – and Chloe felt more comfortable with leaving the apartment for short periods of time.

 

Chloe had gotten into a routine the last two weeks since Beca had started taking the Suboxone and started seeing Dr Isles however. She would wake up and have breakfast with Beca, and then whilst Beca was sleeping off her withdrawal, and then later, working in her studio or at her therapy appointments, Chloe would leave the apartment to go for a run, or to walk on the beach. She would spend a few hours walking around the city, picking up something for lunch or groceries for dinner before returning to the apartment.

 

There she would have a brief conversation with Beca about her therapy before the brunette would change the subject.

 

Then it would be like the old days back at Barden or back in Brooklyn. They would cook together, singing softly under their breath as they chopped vegetables or set the table. After dinner, they would chill on the sofa, reading and listening to music, or watching trashy TV before retiring to their respective rooms.

 

And things were going back to how they had been in Brooklyn, although Chloe was conscious that Beca still wasn’t comfortable with being touched randomly. She had halfheartedly explained that it reminded her of the withdrawals when her skin had been crawling, but she had looked so broken and terrified that Chloe was going to be disappointed that Chloe had simply smiled and promised she’d keep it to a minimum.

 

She was getting better, accepting hugs off the redhead before she went to bed, and the brushes of an arm across a waist when they both navigated the kitchen no longer made Beca jump.

 

(Chloe didn’t think about why she was so pleased Beca was even starting to initiate some of the contact, even if it was just resting her head on Chloe’s shoulder whilst they caught up with the Kardashians).

 

Chloe was finishing off her book as music played softly throughout the living room - courtesy of the inbuilt speakers – and the song switched over to one of her favourite songs of all time.

 

She stood up and moved so that she was stood in front of Beca, looking down at the brunette with a wide smile as _‘Dust to Dust’ by The Civil Wars_ started to play from the speakers.

 

“Dude”? Beca questioned with a smirk and a raise of her eyebrow as she eyed the redhead in front of her.

 

“I love this song, dance with me Becs” Chloe smiled, reaching out her hand in invitation.

 

“Dude, no” Beca laughed, “that is not happening”

 

Chloe pouted, “You used to dance with me all the time in Brooklyn” she pointed out, “and I love this song. Besides, it’s my last night here so you have to be nice to me”

 

She watched Beca sigh, and she smiled happily knowing she had won that round. Beca had always pretended to hate their dancing sessions, but she had seen the playlist on Beca’s laptop entitled _‘Songs Chloe likes to dance too_ ’ so knew it was just a front.

 

She watched as Beca stood up and placed a hand on Chloe’s waist, Chloe in turn placing her hand on Beca’s shoulder as Beca’s other hand grasped the hand Chloe still had outstretched. They started to move slowly around the living room as the song continued to play.

_Let me in the wall, you've built around_  
_And we can light a match and burn it down_  
_Let me hold your hand and dance 'round and 'round the flame_  
_In front of us_  
_Dust to_

She tried not to think about how Beca seemed to be the perfect size to dance with her, or how she could feel her heart speed up with the contact. It was because Beca was willingly making contact with her she reasoned; things were going to be fine.

 

As Beca twisted them around slightly faster than either of them expected, she ended up bumping into the smaller woman, their bodies flush together and Chloe felt herself blush as Beca started laughing, and then she started to laugh as well.

 

Beca then stopped laughing and started to sing along to the song softly into Chloe’s shoulder and Chloe felt the goose bumps make their way up her spine as she listened to the beautiful voice of her friend. It had also never failed to make her happy that Beca had never initiated contact like this with any of the other Bella’s when they had been at Barden, or afterwards in Brooklyn when they were out in a club or a bar together.

 

(Chloe had honestly never thought about the reason this made her so happy).

 

The song naturally came to an end and Chloe hesitated before gently dropping her hands and stepping back from Beca.

 

“Come with me” Beca instructed, before turning and walking over to the stairs as Chloe followed after her, wondering what Beca was doing. They walked around the walkway to the spare bathroom – looking at the blank spot on the wall where there had once been a mirror still made Chloe shudder as she remembered finding a bleeding and unconscious Beca on the floor that first night in LA.

 

Chloe watched as Beca opened the cupboard under the sink and pulled out the cardboard box that Chloe had hidden behind some of the cleaning paraphernalia and boxes of toiletries.

 

 _The box that had the drugs in_.

 

“You’ve known where it was the entire time” Chloe breathed,

 

“Well, it is my apartment” Beca laughed, “and I needed a new shampoo bottle the other day”

 

Chloe watched as Beca put the box in the counter top and opened it, carefully - as to avoid the needles - pulling out the various bags filled with heroin and cocaine before going over to the toilet. Chloe watched as she opened the first bag and was about to pout the contents down the toilet, when she suddenly found herself reaching out to stop Beca.

 

“What’s going on Chlo”? Beca asked incredulously, wondering why Chloe had stopped her.

 

“I need to know that you’re doing this because you want to, not because you’re trying to prove a point to me that you’re okay for me to go home. You need to do this for you” Chloe replied, a sense of urgency in her voice as she felt the concern build up in her body as she awaited Beca’s next response.

 

“I’m ready Chlo, I don’t need it any more. I’m going to be okay” Beca replied quietly, a sense of wonder in her voice, and Chloe wondered if this was the first time Beca had thought that, much less say it out loud to anyone.

 

And then Chloe watched as Beca turned the bag upside down and pour the content down the toilet, followed by the other 11 bags before flushing away the reminders of what she had become.

 

And Chloe beamed with pride.

_You've held your head up_  
_You've fought the fight_  
_You bear the scars_  
_You've done your time_  
_Listen to me_  
_You've been lonely, too long_

As Chloe collected her suitcase at Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport and made her way through arrivals to the lounge, smiling as she saw Chicago stood waiting for her in a blue shirt and jeans, with a bunch of her sunflowers in his arms (her favourite) as she grinned at her excitedly as she walked around through the security gate.

 

As she reached him, she pulled him in to a kiss before he wrapped his arms around her for a hug. And whilst Chloe felt relief at seeing him, at being in his presence again, she couldn’t help but find it slightly odd to hug somebody who was taller than her again.

 

And as he whispered welcome home to her, she smiled, aware at how much she’s missed him. Despite talking to him almost every day at first whilst Beca had been unable to make conversation, she was aware that the conversations had lagged on her end once Beca was functional again. She fought down the guilt that rose in her chest as she realised how wonderful this man really was, and how much she had started to neglect him whilst she was away – even though he had constantly reassured her he understood.

 

“I missed you ‘Cago”

 

He pulled away slightly and tilted his head down to kiss her forehead and she smiled up at him, but then he handed her the sunflowers and picked her suitcase for her, and took her spare hand in his, “let’s go home Chlo” and she pushed the feelings of guilt down.

 

It was time to move forwards and get back to normal.

_Let me in the wall, you've built around_  
_And we can light a match and burn them down_  
_And let me hold your hand and dance 'round and 'round the flames_  
_In front of us_  
_Dust to dust_

It had taken a while for Chloe to readjust to being back in Fort Benning and being around someone who wasn’t Beca Mitchell. Even now, after being back for a month she still spoke to Beca on the phone every day, and they had a constant stream of texts going back and forth to each other as they discussed their days.

 

Chloe had gone back to work at the vets and met up for lunches with the girls from the base and cooked dinners for herself and Chicago and gone to bed with her fiancé wrapped around her.

 

Yet it always felt like something was missing. She just wasn’t sure what it was.

 

“What’s up Chlo”? Chicago asked one evening as they sat at the dinner table with a glass of wine each, their empty plates in front of them.

 

“What do you mean, I’m fine” Chloe responded with a smile.

 

Chicago smiled back at her and then shook his head, “We both know you’re not fine, you have been a bit distant since you got back from LA. Did something happen out there? Did you and Beca have a fight”?

 

Had she been distant? She didn’t realise she had been...

 

“No, we didn’t have a fight. I think we managed to get our friendship back to normal or at least as normal as it can get anyway” Chloe sighed, the brunette singer invading her thoughts once more as she wondered what she was doing.

 

“Then why do you seem to out of it”? Chicago prodded, not unkindly, and Chloe instantly felt guilty that she had worried the man across from her. She sat and observed him quietly, taking in his strong features and his floppy brown hair. He truly was an amazing man and she had thanked the Aca-Gods every single day since they met for bringing him into her life. He was sweet, sensitive, kind and funny and everything she had ever wanted in a man and her parents absolutely adored him.

 

“I guess, if I’m being honest” Chloe started, setting her glass of wine on the table and leaning forwards, giving him her full attention, “I am just struggling to readjust back to normal life. I spent a month dealing with a person going through severe withdrawal, and it was so draining and difficult, being home now just feels too easy. I keep expecting my phone to ring and for Jesse to tell me something has happened to Beca”

 

And there it was. She hadn’t even realised that that is what she had been worried about until it came out of her mouth.

 

“Why didn’t you just tell me”? Chicago asked, “I would have understood”

 

And Chloe knew he would have done, because he always knew exactly the right  thing to say. He had been the person who had picked up the broken pieces the first time Beca pushed her away, and he had been the person who held her as she cried and questioned why Beca had shut her out of her life completely... so why had he stopped being that person?

 

“I know, and I’m sorry” Chloe replied slowly, “I guess I just feel like I’m betraying her by talking about what she went through. Outside of her and I, the only people who know about what’s really been going on are Jesse and a few people at the label. Even her father only knows the bare minimum”

 

“I understand, she’s your friend and you want to protect her, but you need to know that whatever you say will be kept between us Chlo, you know that right”?

 

“I know” Chloe smiled.

 

And that night as Chloe fell naked, backwards onto the bed, giggling as Chicago struggled to pull his shirt over his head before climbing up the bed over her, she honestly tried to make herself believe that things could go back to normal.

 

But of course, things were never that simple.

 

 _You're like a mirror, reflecting me_  
_Takes one to know one, so take it from me_

 

It had been exactly 39 days since Chloe had returned from LA. It had been 39 days since Chloe had left Beca Mitchell behind.

 

And they had still spoken every day, as they had promised each other. Chloe had been slightly nervous that things would have reverted to Beca pushing her away, especially now Chloe knew the reason Beca had pushed her away initially.

 

She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it.

 

Beca Mitchell was in love with her.

 

Chicago was on night training duty, and for once she had declined the offer to go to the cinema with the girls, opting to stay in with a glass of wine and trashy TV and just have some her time.

 

Chloe went and fetched her laptop from her bedroom, and settled on the sofa with it as it booted up. When it finally opened, she smiled at the photo of the Bella’s at Worlds back in 2015 that had been her wallpaper for as long as she could remember.

 

She took a deep breath and opened up her photos, looking for the specific folder ‘ _Beca and Chloe = Bloe_ ’. Fat Amy had gifted her with it as a graduation present with a wink and a smirk as she had handed over the USB stick.

 

Chloe hadn’t looked at it in a long time, it had simply hurt too much to look at the photos of her and Beca’s seven year friendship and still not understand why Beca had pushed her away. So the photos had remained on her laptop, but simply like a ghost file, it was never opened or observed, it was just there.

 

Chloe double clicked the first image and clicked her way through them slowly, memories passing through her mind as she took in all the photos of herself and Beca over the years that Fat Amy had apparently been hoarding, or stealthily taking – Chloe had never been sure.

 

Most of the photo’s had been taken at parties during the Barden days, or from nights out in Manhattan when the duo (and Fat Amy had moved to Brooklyn). There was a couple from a Spring Break in Cabo, and another few from the various Acapella competitions over the years. The vast majority were selfies where Chloe had coerced Beca into joining her and then held her tight so she couldn’t escape, including the one Chloe had taken that first Hood Night party, the day Beca had joined the Bella’s. Chloe had thrust a drink in Beca’s hands, wrapped an arms around her neck and whipped her phone out for a photo - Beca's unimpressed expression next to Chloe's beaming smile always made the redhead laugh when she looked at it. 

 

Other photos had been taken by various Bella’s at certain points over the years – probably Legacy, that girl loved a photo – and Chloe was reminded of all of the amazing times she and Beca (along with the other Bella’s) had had over the years.

 

She paused as the next photo appeared.

 

She didn’t remember this one being taken.

 

Or seeing it before...

 

She recognised it as the kitchen at her parents house in Portland. Beca had come with her for Christmas in her final senior year as Dr Mitchell and Sheila had decided to go on a vacation and Beca had adamantly refused, _‘I would rather give up music for life than spend two weeks trapped on a boat with the Devil and the Step-Monster’_ had been her exact words.

 

So Chloe had brought her home with her for the holidays.

 

Her three older brothers had asked her if they were dating, and then when Chloe laughed and told them she and Beca were just friends, the two youngest who were still single spent the next week hitting on the tiny brunette.

 

_Why had they thought the two of them were dating?_

 

She looked at the photo on the laptop screen more closely. It had obviously been taken whilst they had been unaware. The darkness through the windows on the left of the screen showed it had been nighttime, and Beca had been wearing a red and navy plaid shirt, and Chloe had on a blue jumper with a Santa Clause knitted on the front, with googly eyes (it had been her favourite Christmas jumper for years).

 

They both stood at the other side of the kitchen island to whomever had taken the photo, and they had clearly been helping to prepare food. At least Chloe had, she had her hands in a bowl that looked to be filled with homemade crumble for the apple crumble her mom had always made. She was laughing in the photo, the wide smile and crinkles around her eyes giving it away as she looked towards Beca, hands covered in flour and butter.

 

Beca herself was staring at Chloe with a soft smile on her lips and an adoring expression as she looked up at the redhead, a bottle of beer in her hand.

 

Chloe felt her heart stop beating as she took in the photo. How had she not noticed the way Beca had looked at her? How had she not seen how in love with her Beca was? Was this why her brothers had asked if they were dating?

 

She put her wine glass down, and opened up Google Chrome on her PC, and typed in Beca’s name into the search engine. The first link that came up was Beca’s website, and then her Wikipedia page, followed by some of her most recent tweets (although the most recent was still about four months ago), and then some YouTube video’s of Beca’s songs and her interviews.

 

Navigating to Google Images, her eyes settled on the various photos of Beca. Most of them were from photoshoots she had been in since she became famous, but there were a few from her twitter and Instagram, and a few candids from when she had been on the red carpet or out in the street.

 

And then Chloe saw THAT photo.

 

The candid photo of Beca and the one woman she had ever – allegedly – had a relationship with. Beca and Ally had been all over the tabloids for months after the press got wind of their relationship. Although there had been rumours of their relationship stemming from awards shows and private parties, there had never been any actual proof until this photo had surfaced . Chloe thought back to the first time she saw it and how she felt.

_‘Her lungs stopped as she saw the front of the trashy gossip rag that always sat by the checkouts of the local supermarket. She had popped in to get a few groceries and some bread so she could make herself sandwiches to take for lunch at work when she glanced to her right and there the magazine had been sat. Beca Mitchell and Ally Walker, the DJ and the actress._

_Chloe picked up the magazine and stared at the cover as though it was going to burn her. The headline read ‘Beca Mitchell and Ally Walker confirmed’ – very unoriginal. The photo however showed Beca in a pair of black ankle boots, with black skinny jeans with rips in them tucked in to them, with a black band t-shirt – was it the Veronicas? – and a denim jacket. She was stood curled in to Ally Walker’s side, a smile adorning her face as she grinned up at the blonde actress._

_Ally herself had on a pair of sandals, a pair of white jeans and an orange blouse with her long blonde hair hanging down past her shoulders. She had one arm around Beca and the other held a Starbucks cup. Both seemingly unaware of the camera that had taken this photo as they were wrapped up in each other outside of a small cafe in downtown LA._

_Chloe put the magazine back down and turned away from the image it presented to her’._

 

Chloe thought back to that moment. At the time, she had told Chicago she was upset because there was a time that Beca would have told her she was dating someone and Chloe would have spent the next three hours trying to draw the smallest details out of the brunette.

 

She had told Chicago she was upset that Beca seemingly had an entire life that Chloe wasn’t part of anymore, and she clearly didn’t want Chloe to be part of.

 

Now, with a new perspective on things, Chloe felt the emotions bubble up again, but this time there was no mistaking what it was.

 

_She had been jealous._

 

She stood up abruptly, knocking her laptop onto the floor as she gasped for breath. Is this what a panic attack felt like? She felt like her insides were being squeezed to mush, and her legs felt like jelly as her vision swam. She sank to the floor again as she tried to get her breathing back under control.

 

Hearing Beca’s confession had made her question everything that she thought had ever made sense.

 

Memories replayed in her mind, and they suddenly seemed different and the feelings seemed to have different connotations to what they should have been... like Beca hugging her for the first time without herself having to initiate the contact first. The heartbreak she had felt when Beca kissed Jesse at the first ICCA finals. The hurt she had felt when Beca hadn’t told her about her internship. The joy she felt when Beca asked her to move to New York with her. The honour she felt when Beca told her about her hopes and dreams during those dark nights they had curled up in Chloe's bed, and the pride she felt as she watched Beca perform on stage on that final night at the USO Tour.

 

Beca was her best friend. She was in love with Chicago.

 

Except it wasn’t like that at all...

 

She was in love with Beca Mitchell and seemingly always had been.

 

Fuck.

  
You've been lonely  
_You've been lonely, too long_  
_We've been lonely_  
_We've been lonely, too long_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that was okay and it seemed to flow in a natural progression to the story - I'd love it if you could give me your views on what you liked and any constructive criticism you may have. Th next chapter will include another couple of the Bella's and Chloe tries to figure out what she is going to do. 
> 
> Also, thank you so much to all of you lovely people who are leaving Kudos and comments, it really means the world that people are reading and enjoying this story.


	7. Praying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beca ventures out into the public and reconnects with an old friend, and she also makes the decision to go back to work. She'd like to share her story with the intent of helping people, but the label aren't so sure...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Chloe in this chapter (unless a text message counts) as I wanted this chapter to go more into the mind of Beca and more about her career and how the drugs have affected the professional side of her life. This takes place along the same timeline as the previous chapter and maybe a little bit further ahead. 
> 
> Song: Praying - Kesha

_Well, you almost had me fooled_   
_Told me that I was nothing without you_   
_Oh, but after everything you've done_   
_I can thank you for how strong I have become_

 

Since Chloe had gone back to Fort Benning over a month ago, Beca suddenly found herself with a lot of free time without the redhead to occupy her day or give her someone to talk to.

 

Apart from her therapy sessions, she really did have no reason to leave the house as she was still on ‘ _leave_ ’ from the label whilst she figured herself out and pulled herself out of her already dug grave. So she filled her time with writing, with setting up beats and rhythms and overlays to create what she hoped, would be her greatest album yet.

 

(Writing helped her get her feelings out into the open and stopped her from thinking about drugs. Although she found the more she wrote, the better she felt and the less she wanted to revert back to her old coping methods).

 

She had already succeeded in writing 16 songs for the album, and recorded rough versions of the songs in her home microphone, but she needed a real studio. But she needed her band, she needed guitars and drums and her backing singers, and there was only so much she could achieve from her home studio.

 

So she did what any normal person would do in this situation.

 

She called Jesse. 

_'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell_   
_I had to learn how to fight for myself_   
_And we both know all the truth I could tell_   
_I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"_

The next day, Beca put on a brave face as the elevator descended to the lobby of her apartment building. She tugged nervously at the long sleeves of the plaid shirt she had worn to cover her scars, a pair of blue skinny jeans adorning her legs and a pair of black vans on her feet. She had put a ‘Love is Louder’ cap on her head and pair of Ray Ban wayfarers over her eyes, to protect them from the sun and from the paparazzi she was bound to bump in to at some point.

 

This was the first time she had been outside to actually walk – therapy didn’t count, she got into a car at one end and out at the other end  – in a little over two months, and as she walked through the lobby, she found herself getting excited.

 

This was it; this was the first step in overcoming her addiction for good. Being stuck in her apartment and a therapists office during her recovery process made it difficult to move forward. Despite the face she could feel the cravings disappearing day by day and her body got stronger day by day, it was very easy to get stuck in a rhythm and already, by breaking the routine she was remembering that there was an entire world out there waiting for her. She had fans out there waiting for her, waiting for her new album, waiting for anything to show them the brunette hadn’t abandoned them. She had friends out there, family even, and they deserved better than what she had put them through – and she needed to be better for them... and for herself too.

 

As she stepped through the doors to the lobby, she was half expecting the paparazzi to swarm her and ask her where she had been, but to her surprise – and joy – there was nobody there. So she took a deep breath – she’d been taking a lot of them lately – and pushed the sunglasses further up her nose and then made her way down the street towards the small cafe she had agreed to meet Jesse outside at 1pm.

_I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'_   
_I hope your soul is changin', changin'_   
_I hope you find your peace_   
_Falling on your knees, prayin'_

Beca sat at a small wooden table outside of the small cafe in downtown LA ‘Kara’s Koffee’ with a fruit berry smoothie in front of her and a smiling Jesse sitting opposite her with a iced latte and a slice of chocolate cake. The sun was shining down on them as they sat simply observing the passersby. A couple of other cafe patrons kept looking over every  now and then as though they recognised Beca, but so far none had come up to her or disturbed them. They had made small talk as Jesse filled Beca in on his life, and now a silence had taken over as neither of them knew what to say, although Beca knew it wasn’t long until Jesse addressed the proverbial elephant in the room.

 

“So how are you doing Beca, really”? Jesse asked abandoning what was left of his cake as he patted his stomach and sat back in his chair, taking a sip of his coffee.

 

And there is was.

 

Beca shrugged, not really knowing what to say. Although she had spoken to Jesse on the phone and via text a few times since Chloe came to stay, this was the first time they had seen each other in person. He had offered to come round a few times, but Beca always refused. She hadn’t wanted anyone to see her how she had been. Only now that she had gained some weight and her cheeks had filled back in, and the dark circles under her eyes had disappeared had she been willing to meet up with the man who had probably saved her life.

 

“I’m, getting there” she replied instead, swirling the straw around in her drink, not making eye contact – despite the sunglasses she still had on.

 

“Becs, we have been through a hell of a lot together and at one point, you were everything to me, so please don’t start lying to me” he replied, and Beca looked up to see a pained puppy expression on his face.

 

“Come on dude, you know what that face does to me” Beca groaned, and just like that the tension was lifted as they both started chuckling.

 

“Exactly, it was part of my plan” Jesse laughed, raising an eyebrow at Beca, “so how are you Beca”?

 

“I’m writing again” she offered, “my therapist said that writing is helping me to get my inner feelings out, and it really is helping. I just want to feel like myself again, like I don’t want to keep waking up in the morning with nothing in my brain except cravings for drugs”

 

She sat back, surprised that she had admitted that out loud to the man, she had made the decision before she came to put on a brave face and tell him she was doing fine.

 

Damn Jesse for still being able to see straight through her.

 

“Beca, are you seriously beating yourself up for not being 100 percent okay”? He asked incredulously, “you went through a seriously traumatic experience...”

 

“Yeah, a self inflicted one” Beca scoffed as she interrupted him but Jesse continued undeterred.

 

“... and you’ve come out the other side. Do you know how strong you are to have managed to do that, to pull yourself out of the darkness and continue your life”?

 

Beca lifted her eyes to the sky as she willed herself not to cry.

 

“Becs, I am literally in awe of you, and you are quite possibly the most inspirational person I have ever met. And I’m sure that everyone that knows you and loves you and supports you would completely agree with me. People now have a whole new reason to look up to you, you could save so many people with your story” he finished with a smile.

 

Silence.

 

“I never actually thanked you” Beca started, holding up a hand as Jesse looked set to jump in and say something, “I pushed you away constantly and was horrible to you and yet you never once left me”

 

“That’s what friends are for” Jesse simply shrugged off the compliment.

 

“No, friends are there for you during a breakup or the death of a pet. Family is there for you when you hit rock bottom and help you see the sunlight again... wow that was lame”

 

Jesse chuckled as his friend continued.

 

“If you hadn’t had called Chloe when you did, I wouldn’t be here today, no doubt about it. I was in way too deep and I didn’t believe you. The night Chloe came back, she literally pulled me back from the clutches of death, but I think I would have reached it a lot earlier if you hadn’t had been there for me first. So thank you Jesse. Thank you for not turning your back on me when we split up” Beca slipped her glasses up onto her head as she looked into Jesse’s eyes for the first time and offered him a watery smile.

 

“We would have made beautiful children” Jesse conceded earning a bark of laughter from Beca, “too bad you realised you were a raging lesbian with a penchant for blue eyed redheads”.

 

The two of them sat laughing for a good few minutes and Beca realised she was lighter than she had been in months.

 

“What was it like living with Chloe” Jesse asked with a smirk and a waggle of his eyebrows, earning an eye roll from Beca.

 

“At first I was so out of it, I barely even noticed her to be honest. But then things started to get confused in my head again, but Dr Isles has really helped me. And it was really nice having her back in my life to be honest... I apologised for pushing her away and we’ve spoken every day since” Beca smiled shyly.

 

“I’m glad” Jesse smiled, “did you tell her how you feel”?

 

“She’s happy dude. Chicago makes her happy, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted for her”

 

“So... you said you wanted to ask me something” Jesse changed the subject.

 

“Yes, so... I want to go back to work, officially” Beca said, taking a sip of her smoothie.

 

“Really? Are you ready”? He asked, following Beca’s lead and taking a sip of his latte – which was now watery as the ice was melting.

 

“I’ve written my album Jess, I just need to go back and add the instruments and finish it off completely” she smiled,

 

“Holy shit dude, that’s awesome” he cried, sitting up straight in his chair, “can I have a sneaky listen”?

 

“Well, that’s what I’m here for” Beca started, “I need to go back to work, but it’s been a while since I saw everyone and I’m not sure of what reception I’m going to back, and I could really use my best friend for moral support on my first day in the studio”

 

“Hell yes, I am so there” Jesse fist pumped the air and Beca burst out laughing at the antics of the man she had never knew she depended on so much.

_I'm proud of who I am_   
_No more monsters, I can breathe again_   
_And you said that I was done_   
_Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come_   
_'Cause I can make it on my own, oh_

Beca stepped through the door to studio C – her studio. She hadn’t been in here for months and she found herself surprisingly apprehensive at what was possible waiting for her inside.

 

With Jesse’s help, she had set up a day with her manager Scotty, the labels PR manager Abigail and some of her team, including some of the recording musicians she had worked with in the past, and of course, her co-producer Ace Carter. Ace was a kind middle aged man who Beca was convinced had been a mafia boss in a past life, but now was a father figure to her who had supported her in creating her first two albums.

 

Jesse stood at the back, his mere presence calming Beca as she managed to stammer out a brief explanation of what she had been through and was met with a silence in the studio. Beca swallowed dryly, wringing her hands together with nerves waiting for them to say something. Were they going to be disgusted, disappointed or angry with her?

 

Turns out she worried for no reason, as Scotty leapt forward and wrapped her into a giant hug and terms of support from the rest of the team followed as she was swallowed by the arms of the team who promised they loved her unconditionally.

 

“Now, please tell me that that laptop bag contains a bunch of number one hits as promised by the lovely Jesse” Scotty laughed, “because as your manager Beca, we need to show the public that you are back and ready to crush it”

 

“I am back, and I think I have the makings of a number one album. I just need your help to bring it all together” she replied, moving over to the desks in front of the booth, and started to unpack her laptop and her song lyric filled notebook as her team whooped and cheered behind her.

 

“Show us what you have Mitchell” her guitarist Jay said softly, a twinkle in his green eyes, and any remaining nerves Beca had just floated away.

 

She was home.

_  
And I don't need you, I found a strength I've never known_   
_I'll bring thunder, I'll bring rain, oh_   
_When I'm finished, they won't even know your name_

 

‘Praying’ was the second song she had written following a therapy session when Dr Isles had asked her who she was angry at, and Beca had realised she was the most angry at herself for allowing herself to fall down a path she had promised herself she would never succumb to.

 

She had recorded the piano and added a few beats in her studio at home; she knew it would need a few more instruments and maybe some backing singers for the last chorus. But for now she was concentrating on simply recording the best version of the song – maybe subconsciously, hoping to find the best version of herself.

 

When she arrived at the studio two hours ago, she knew this was the first song she wanted to record and make perfect. So after running through what she wanted the song to convey, she had stepped in to the booth for the first real recording, as Ace sat at the controls and the team listened to what she had been writing.

 

Beca finished singing the last note of her song in the booth and listened as the piano trailed off in the headphones. She took a deep breath and looked through the window at the room filled with people – some of whom had simply turned up when they heard Beca Mitchell was back recording.

 

They were all stood slack-jawed.

 

“I think we got it Bec” Ace said as she used the intercom to speak to her.

 

“In just the one take”? She asked raising her eyebrow as she started to remove her headphones, “because I can go again”.

 

“Sweetheart that is the only take we need. That was everything” he replied in all seriousness as the rest of the team nodded behind him.

 

As she rejoined the studio, she listened as he played back the track. She knew she had given it everything, but hearing it over the top of the piano track and the light beat she had pre-recorded hit home, and she felt tears welling up in her eyes.

 

It was perfect.

 

“If you keep singing like that sweetheart, we will have an album out by the end of the month” Ace said kindly, laying his hand on Beca’s arm gently, “just tell me what you want to do with this track, and I will help you finish it”

_You brought the flames and you put me through hell_   
_I had to learn how to fight for myself_   
_And we both know all the truth I could tell_   
_I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell"_

The end of the work day fast approached, and one by one the amount of people in the studio decreased until only Beca,  Scotty (who was more interested in replying to emails on his phone than on the music process) Ace, Jesse and Hayley (acoustic guitarist) remained.

 

Hayley had been the main guitarist on Beca’s fast album and had toured with her as part of her band for her first album. Unfortunately, the second album never had a tour on account of Beca losing her sanity and going off the rails – a joke Ace had made earlier on in the day, but instead of being angry Beca laughed along with him. She had survived, and Jesse was right, she was stronger than she’d ever been. Hayley and Beca had become very good friends whilst on tour and during the recording of the second album.

 

As Ace played back what they had so far, the four people in the studio were silent. The piano Beca recorded, and her raw vocals had been merged together, with an acoustic guitar and a base drum beat added throughout the day as Beca and Ace had played around with the laptop and dials on the soundboard.

 

“This is probably the best song you’ve ever produced Bec” Hayley whispered in awe as it ended.

 

“Wait til you hear the rest of the songs I’ve written” Beca laughed, “apparently becoming a drug addict and almost dying from a heroin overdose is all I needed to get back into writing”

 

She saw Jesse smile lightly before it turned into a frown and he looked down at his feet.

 

“Sorry Jess” Beca apologised, “that was too soon wasn’t it”?

 

“Maybe just a bit” Jesse admitted, “but I’m glad that you’re here and able to joke about it”

 

“Me too” Beca smiled at him.

  
“Me too” Scotty interjected, lightening the mood that had fallen over the room. “This album is going to make me thousands, thanks Mitchell”

 

The four of them laughed at Scotty’s joke, before a comfortable silence fell over the group. Over the course of the day, Beca had been sharing a few more details over what she had been through. Including Jesse calling Chloe, and Chloe finding Beca half dead on the floor of her apartment. This had caused a shocked silence to fall over the team, until Hayley had whispered “Damn B, you don’t do anything by halves do you? Album sales, record deals, drug overdoses”... as the day went on they became less shocking and the reactions became less obvious. Ace had frozen a couple of times as his paternal instinct kicked in, and Hayley had simply looked over at Beca with a look of empathy. They all seemed aware that Beca needed to get back to normal and so the majority of the chat throughout the day had been related to the music and the new album.

 

“What was going through your mind when you wrote this song Bec”? Hayley asked, bringing Beca back to the current moment as she asked the question they had been wanting to ask since they heard Beca let her soul out in the recording booth.

 

“I wrote it after Chloe went home” Beca started, “that first night by myself was difficult and a part of me was angry at Chloe for leaving, but then I realised the only person I was angry at was myself. I wrote this song about the part of me that allowed this to happen; that allowed me to fall down the rabbit hole so to speak. This song is a note to myself which can remind me to never let that part of me win out again. I won’t go back down that path... I can’t go back down that path”.

 

“Well, if you ever feel like that part of you is winning again Mitchell, let me know and I’ll follow you around with my beats pill and this song on repeat until that feeling passes” Ace cut in with a smile and a friendly pat on the shoulder.

 

“Yes Lloyd Dobler” Jesse cried, holding his hand up for a high five. Ace stared at him blankly...

 

“John Cusack in say anything, when he holds up the boom box at the end of the movie too...” he trails off as he sees the blank stares directed at him from every direction, “never mind”

 

Some things don’t change Beca thought to herself as she let the music wash over her, along with the familiar smell of the studio and the laughter of her friends.

_I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin'_   
_I hope your soul is changin', changin'_   
_I hope you find your peace_   
_Falling on your knees, prayin'_

“No Beca” Mick Grayson said, peering at the small brunette over his desk. Beca stared back with the most intimidating glare she could muster.

 

“But why”? She argued, “Why can’t I make a comeback and tell my fans my story, I’ve been gone for nine months and there are rumours that I’ve had a baby – do they not get I’m gay”? she whispered that last part to herself, “My point is, there are already rumours spreading about where I’ve been, it’s sure to get out eventually”.

 

“Do you want to ruin your career”? He asked, “Look at Macaulay Culkin, Amanda Bynes, Britney Spears. They ruined their careers because of the drug abuse they got into. This album is set to be your biggest selling yet Miss Mitchell, and after the amount of time you had off to recover, the label needs this album to sell well to reimburse us for your down time”

 

There it was.

 

“So it isn’t about me at all, but about the label sales” Beca deadpanned, looking at the label CEO in the face. His office on the top floor of the building screamed money, with floor to ceiling glass windows, white walls covered in various artists posters in frames, and Grammy and American Music Award statues in a cabinet that took up nearly one wall.

 

Mick Grayson was an arsehole, and part of Beca understood why. The music industry was a cut throat business and you had to be an arsehole to stay on top – it was why the label had always been at the top of the business and why they produced so many hit albums and turned out so many Grammy award winning artists.

 

The other part of her however, thought he was a narcissistic arsehole who clearly had too much money, he had forgotten how to actually talk to people.

 

“No, this is about your career Miss Mitchell. You have a good thing going with this album from what I have heard, and would hate for you to burn out because the media found out about your little addiction. You still have two years left on your contract, and I would hate for us to have to terminate it simply because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut” he said, standing up as if dismissing her.

 

“So that’s it then”? Beca asked, also standing up, trying not to let her hands ball up into fists as the anger rose up in her. “I keep my mouth shut and just be a puppet for the label, never mind the fact that my story could help people, really help people”.

 

“Miss Mitchell, just concentrate on fully recovering and getting your album ready to release, we can look at this again in a couple of months”.

 

And that was apparently the end of that conversation.  

_Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh_   
_Someday, maybe you'll see the light_   
_Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give_   
_But some things only God can forgive_

As Beca sat on her couch that evening with her laptop and a glass of lemonade, the conversation she had had that day with Mick kept replaying in her head.

 

The album was nearly finished – and in the record time of two months – and would be ready for released in another month. Some of the songs still needed some fine tuning, the album artwork would need to be put together and then the promotional interviews would start and the first single would be released and a music video would be recorded and then life would become mental again.

 

This time around it was different though. Beca now had orders from the CEO of the label to keep her mouth shut about the last nine months. The five months Beca had spent destroying herself, the month Beca had spent with Chloe going through withdrawals and recovery, the month or so she spent at home writing and recording rough cuts of her album and the last two months she had spent in the studio at the label.

 

How could she lie to her fans about her life?

 

Her fans had been there for her since the beginning, and this album was very different to what she had released before. Surely people would pick up on the change in genre and sound?

 

Something Jesse had said to her that day whilst getting coffee had been running around in her mind since that day, and the conversation with Mick just made her even more determined to tell her story and hopefully, provide a little bit of help to those that might need it.  

 

_“People now have a whole new reason to look up to you, you could save so many people with your story”._

Beca’s laptop was open with a blog post, where a woman described how she and her boyfriend had become heroin addicts. How she had lost her home, her family and her children until she managed to find the strength to get clean. How she said she went to a clinic with her boyfriend for Suboxone, and if it didn’t work, their plan B was to go home and put a bullet through into their brains. Luckily, as Beca knew personally, Suboxone worked, and the two of them were now recovered and living with their children in Arizona. She had another 17 tabs on Chrome open with similar stories, and stories from relatives of those who weren’t so lucky.

Beca pulled out her phone and sent a text to Chloe, the one person she had always trusted to tell her the truth and support her.

 

 **Beca** : So, if I could do something that would help people, but risk everything for it, should I do it?

 

The reply came through minutes later.

 

 **Chloe** : Are you okay?

 

 **Beca** : Yes I’m fine thanks Chlo, just in a bit of a professional dilemma.

 

 **Chloe** : Well, I know you pretend you don’t have one, but what does your heart tell you to do?

 

 **Beca** : That I could use my platform to help a hell of a lot of people, or at least let them know they aren’t alone, consequences be damned.

 

 **Chloe** : You always did have the biggest heart out of all of us, it’s why you came back in your Freshman year.

 

 **Chloe** : You already knew the answer didn’t you?

 

 **Beca** : I think so; I just needed someone to remind me I’m not a complete moron.

 

 **Chloe** : I could never think that of you Bec, but my break is almost over and I have a puppy that needs some injections. You know where I am if you need me, and just remember that I will always support you.  

 

 **Beca** : Thanks Chlo, good luck with the puppy.

 

Beca took a sip of her lemonade and shut her laptop.

 

Thanks to Chloe Beale, she’d made her decision.

 

Sometimes doing the right thing was bigger than one person and worth so much more.

_Yeah! (I hope you're somewhere prayin', prayin')_   
_I hope your soul is changin', changin'_   
_I hope you find your peace_   
_Falling on your knees, prayin'_


	8. Lego House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chloe deals with the sudden onslaught of feelings she realises she has for Beca. She has a frank conversation with Aubrey, and does something she never wanted to do...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I apologise for the delay in this chapter. I'm not 100% happy with this chapter, as I wrote the next chapter weeks ago and needed to get the two chapters that lead up to that written. Beca's chapter (7) was easier than this one, as I wanted Chloe's feelings to remain real and I didn't want to ruin the end of chapter 6 when she realises she is in love with Beca... it was harder than I thought to follow that on and make it seem logical. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this... please let me know what you think.  
> Song: Lego House - Ed Sheeran

_I'm gonna pick up the pieces_  
_And build a Lego house_  
_When things go wrong we can knock it down_

 

It took Chloe precisely 17 minutes and 32 seconds to calm down enough to actually pick herself up off the floor and get her breathing under control. She could feel her hands shaking and the tears that were running down her cheeks were making her face feel stiff as they dried.

 

She was in love with Beca Mitchell.

 

Her best friend Beca Mitchell...

 

So many memories seemed completely different now, and so many things were now confused in her mind. Things that she had taken for granted with her friendship with Beca, the cuddles on nights when Beca had had a bad day at her internship or when Chloe was particularly stressed about Russian Lit. The fact that they always made lunch for each other in Brooklyn (they alternated each week on who would make the packed lunches for those five days working whichever they were). They shared a bed in Brooklyn and Chloe would ensure she stayed awake until Beca got home so she knew the small brunette was safe, and so many more images flashed through her mind as she tried to calm herself down on the floor of the home she shared with Chicago.

 

She didn’t do any of this with the other girls - not even Aubrey - and she had mistaken it for a close friendship because Beca had been straight and been with Jesse throughout college.

 

As she brought herself back under control, she stood up on shaky legs and walked through to the kitchen. All she could think is how terrifying this was and yet how comforted she felt all of a sudden that things were suddenly clear.

 

She had been heartbroken when Beca pushed her away and devastated when Beca has stopped reaching out. Chloe realised that this is when she started leaning more heavily on Chicago. Her rock, her best friend and her confidant had pushed her away and so she had fallen back on the person who deep down had always been second best.

 

She had wanted Chicago, or at least she thought she had? She did love him, she really did, but upon reflection she loved him, but she wasn’t in love with him. He was her best friend and her safety net – but as that turns out she didn’t want safe and reliable.

 

But then, how could she hurt Chicago? He was the best man she had ever met and he was the perfect fiancé and would be the perfect husband and he would protect her and look after her be kind and sweet. He adored her, everyone has been able to see it, her parents had mentioned it the first time they had met him and so had her friends and his colleagues after they had moved to Fort Benning.

 

But even though she had only been aware of her feelings for 20 minutes, she knew she wanted Beca... she wanted moody and alternative and tattooed and pierced. She wanted someone who could be distant but who had the biggest heart of anyone else she knew. She wanted the one person she knew she probably couldn’t have.

 

Beca didn’t need confusion in her life; she was a recovering heroin addict for Christ sakes. She needed to focus on herself and on getting better and she didn’t need Chloe and her own confusion and uncertainty blocking her process.

 

As Chloe wandered through to the kitchen, she felt the room start to close in on her as everything started to get too much again.

 

She pulled her phone out of her pocket and did what she always did in her confusion...

 

She called Aubrey Posen.

 

 _My three words have two meanings_  
_There's one thing on my mind, it's all for you_

 

“Aubrey Posen” Aubrey answered the phone the same way she always did, curt and to the point.

  
“Hey Bree,” Chloe sighed, sitting down at the kitchen table heavily and bringing her free hand up to rest her head on it.

 

“Chloe, are you okay”? Aubrey asked, instantly noticing that Chloe wasn’t using her usual happy tone. Apparently that was what it took for Chloe to start crying again.

 

“Okay Chlo, hang on for a second, I’m just going to go somewhere more private”

 

“Oh Bree, if you’re busy I can call you back later” Chloe said, sitting up and wiping her tears.

 

“Don’t be silly, I’m at work and I was just having a team briefing but this sounds more important”. There was silence for a second and then Aubrey continued, “Okay I’m in my office now. What’s going on Chloe”?

 

She said the last part of her sentence so softly Chloe felt her heart twinge, wondering what she ever did to deserve someone like Aubrey Posen in her life.

 

Chloe took a deep breath and asked the question, “Did you know Beca was in love with me at Barden”?

 

“Oh Chloe” Chloe heard Aubrey take a deep breath, “She’s been in love with you since Freshman year, back when she was just a moody little alt girl with those ear monstrosities and a bad attitude”

 

“She’s been in love with me for that long”? Chloe asked, it was meant to be rhetorical but Aubrey replied anyway.

 

“She’s always been in love with you Chloe. A part of me always thought she was only with Jesse because she thought she couldn’t have you, but this was only cemented in my mind when she came out... or was forced out anyway”

 

Chloe took a moment to process that information, before speaking again. Her emotions were running a mile a minute. Beca has been in love with her since freshman year and never said anything? Did she only say something because of the drugs, or did she genuinely want Chloe to know? Where did she go from here?

 

Unfortunately, instead of asking that question, she just started sobbing down the phone again.

 

“Chloe, what happened in LA”? Aubrey asked softly, knowing that Chloe had gone to stay with Beca, but not why or any of the details.

 

And so when Chloe had composed herself enough, she started to relay everything to Aubrey. She spoke about the phone call from Jesse, and how badly the first meeting went and how terrified she was when she found Beca unconscious on the floor. She talked about how bad Beca’s withdrawals were, and how Beca admitted she was in love with her and how Chloe had ignored it. She explained why she had ignored it – not wanting to effect Beca’s recovery and cause her to relapse, not to mention her own confusion – and how she spent the rest of her time in LA rebuilding her friendship with Beca. Which led to now, and how everything had seemed different since she got back, and how she was missing Beca a lot more than she had missed Chicago – and wow she had never admitted that before – to her mental breakdown on the living room floor only moments ago, when she realised she was in love with the small DJ and apparently always had been.

 

“I don’t know what to do” Chloe finished off lamely, rubbing her hand over her face.

 

“I can’t tell you what to do Chloe, but if I’m to be honest... the other Bella’s and I were always a little bit disappointed that you and Beca never figured things out back in college. Fat Amy even had a sweepstake on when you would both figure it out and get together” Aubrey chuckled slowly, “It’s been pretty obvious for years that there was always something between the two of you, your friendship always went deeper than any other bond I’ve ever seen, even our own”

 

“You knew I was in love with Beca back in college? How? I’ve only just figured it out” Chloe replied, slightly exasperated.

 

“You were different when she was around. In our senior year, when she arrived you fought me with everything you had to get me to allow her to join the Bella’s. You had never showed that much passion about the group before even though it was your life. But then the two of you grew closer and I could see it begin to form. You both changed during the year, just small changes but they were there to those who looked hard enough. And I hate to admit it, but I think one of the reasons I hated Beca so much was that I was jealous – I thought she was going to take you away from me.

 

“It wasn’t until World’s that I realised how deep your feelings ran for each other. It was after the show and we were at that after party”

 

“Oh that was the one with Das Sound Machine” Chloe interrupted, “that was a great party”

 

“It was” Aubrey replied, and Chloe heard the lightness in her voice as she remembered that night. “We were dancing and having a great time together, but you were constantly looking around for Beca. You may not have admitted it to any of us, and it may not have been obvious, but you were always looking for her in a group gathering. Then when she walked in, you just lit up – more so than usual anyway – and I could sense that you were waiting an appropriate amount of time before you could go over to her. It wasn’t until you saw her talking to Kommisar that you went over to her and I could feel the jealousy radiating off you. That was when I realised you truly reciprocated her feelings, of which had been apparent to most of us for years”.

 

“When you put it like that I have really been an idiot huh”? Chloe smiled slightly into her phone as the tears ran down her face.

 

“Not at all, Stacie once asked me when you were gonna pull your head out of your ass and admit it, but even then, we weren’t even sure you were aware of your feelings. You have always been the nicest one out of all of us, and quite often your friendship crossed boundaries that may have teetered on relationship, but with Beca, there was always more”

 

“In retrospect, the reason I got so jealous when Beca insulted, or flirted, with Kommisar and not with Jesse was because to me, I never stood a chance because Beca was straight. But then she was flirting with this amazingly gorgeous woman who wasn’t me” It appeared that a lot of different memories had resurfaced in the last hour and Chloe was now starting to have real difficulty in keeping up with her own emotions.

 

“You and Beca have always been there” Aubrey reasoned, “now you just have to decide what you want to do about it”

 

 _And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got ya to keep me warm_  
_And if you're broken I'll mend ya_  
_And keep you sheltered from the storm that's raging on now_

 _I'm out of touch, I'm out of love_  
_I'll pick you up when you're getting down_  
_And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now_

 

The phone call with Aubrey had really managed to calm Chloe down and she had managed to get through the rest of the evening with only one more breakdown. She had gone to bed by the time Chicago had gotten home from training and she had successfully avoided being alone with him for long periods of time since.

 

But now, one week later, and the pull towards Beca – and the ache it was starting to cause – were beginning to become unbearable. It was like realising had flicked a switch and she couldn’t keep her mind off the other woman. Their texting had increased, as had their phone conversations and Chloe knew she couldn’t put off the inevitable forever. It wasn’t fair to Chicago, or to herself really and she knew she had to discuss it with her fiancé.

 

So, after a glass of whiskey one night, she sat at the kitchen table twirling her engagement ring around on her finger as she waited for the soldier to get home. Her heart was beating a mile a minute and she felt like she was going to throw up.

 

Hurting someone had always been the worst thing she could ever do in Chloe’s mind. She had once forgotten to say thank you to the cashier in the supermarket whilst in High School as she had been on the phone at the time trying to organise a study session for her SATs, and she had grabbed her shopping and left. She only realised later that night, and gone back the next day with a bunch of flowers for the middle aged lady who had served her as an apology.

 

And here she was about to hurt the nicest, most thoughtful guy she had ever met.

 

The door unlocked right on time, and Chicago came wandering through to the kitchen in search of the redhead. He paused in the doorway, and Chloe almost burst into tears right then at the sight of him in his jeans and a long sleeved blue polo shirt.

 

“This looks like a conversation I’m going to need something stronger than beer for” he said upon Chloe sat in silence with a sombre expression on her face, before heading across the room to the drinks cupboard and pouring himself a quarter glass of Jack Daniels.

 

Chloe watched as he tossed the drink back and then came and sat at the chair to her left and he gently took her hand.

 

“What’s going on Chlo”? He asked gently, “you can talk to me about anything you know that. What sort of fiancé would I be if you couldn’t”? He tried to make a joke and he smiled at her and gave her hand a squeeze, realising the severity when she pulled it away from him slowly.

 

“I can’t marry you Chicago” Chloe blurted out and then closed her eyes and took a deep breath. That was not how she wanted to do this...

 

“What do you mean”? He replied, confused, “have I done something wrong”?

 

His genuine confusion and the fact he automatically jumped to the conclusion that he had done something wrong was what caused Chloe to start crying softly, reaching back to grasp both his hands as she saw the tears in his eyes start to appear.

 

“No, you did not do anything wrong, you are too good to me, and I haven’t been the same to you” Chloe swallowed, it was now or never.

 

“Is there someone else”?

 

“No, well sort of”... Chloe admitted, and upon seeing the hurt cross his face and realising how that sounded she hurried to explain, “Nothing has happened, I swear, I would never do that to you ‘Cago”

 

“Do you love them”? He asked quietly as the first tear slipped out of his eye and ran down his cheek silently.

 

She nodded, not needing to say anything.

 

“Oh”

 

“Yeah” she replied sadly, “I need you to know, I never meant for this to happen. It’s been there for a long time and I only realised last week and I can’t ignore it any longer. I never wanted to hurt you and I do love you Chicago, but I can’t keep lying to myself, or to you because you deserve so much better than this”

 

There was silence, and for the first time in their relationship it was slightly awkward. Chloe looked at Chicago, who was still grasping her hands and she could see his mind working as she refused to look anywhere but at her.

 

“It’s Beca isn’t it”? he looked up at her, and her heart almost stopped at the broken yet resigned look on his face.

 

“Yes” there was no point in lying to him.

 

“You know, when we first met I thought you two were together” he said, “but then you kissed me and I realised I had gotten it wrong. I was already so in love with you after that month on the USO Tour. I told my mom I had met the woman I wanted to marry and you looked at me like I was everything, but I guess I’m not everything that you want”...

 

He was crying now, and Chloe felt her heart shatter, “I never meant for this to happen I promise you. You were everything, my everything, but then LA happened and I was confused and then it hit me last week”

 

“Thank you for telling me” he said, standing up and dropping Chloe’s hands gently as he took a step towards the door. She let them fall to her sides as she also stood up.

 

“I’m so sorry Chicago, please don’t hate me for this” Chloe whispered, her voice sounding small.

 

“Oh Chloe” he replied, his voice breaking, “I could never hate you,”

 

He crossed the room again back to her and wrapped her into a hug, and they both stood there for a long time, just crying into each other’s arms.

 

“I’m so sorry” Chloe whispered again as they pulled apart, “I never wanted to hurt you”

 

“I know, you are the most selfless person I know” he replied quietly, wiping her cheeks with his thumbs, “I’m going to go and stay with Chuck and Lisa for a few days. We’ll figure it all out, I just need to be anywhere else right now”

 

“I understand” she said as she watched him walk away, before calling out to him, “but for what it’s worth, you really are the perfect guy and you will make the most amazing husband to someone who fully deserves you”.

 

He nodded and smiled but there was no joy in it, and then he walked away.

 

Chloe collapsed in sobs onto the floor as the front door shut behind him.

 

 _I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind_  
_I'll do it all for you in time_  
_And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now_

 

He came home two days later, and the two discussed everything. She explained how she realised she was in love with Beca and how she wasn’t planning on running to her straight away, or ever really. He had nodded and told her gently that Beca would be stupid not to at least give it a go when Beca was well enough to deal with whatever could happen between them.

 

She said she had called her parents and was going to move back home, but she had to work out a few weeks notice at work and get everything sorted here before she left. He had told her he had told his parents the wedding was off, and he would stay with friends until she left, because even though he didn’t hate her or hold her responsible for anything, it still hurt him to be around her.

 

She said she would go, but she didn’t really have any friends she could stay with as all of her friends in Fort Benning were his friends.

 

Over the next two weeks – three weeks since she had realised she was in love with Beca – she handed in her notice at work and started packing up her stuff. She booked her flights home to her parents and applied for a few jobs there. She spoke to Aubrey daily and took longer shifts at work to try and get some extra money to pay the movers and keep her going – she didn’t know how long she would be out of work once she got home.

 

She hadn’t told Beca or any of the other Bella’s what had happened, and for the first time in her life, she felt completely alone. She didn’t have a clue what she was going to do about Beca, or work, or life in general. She had basically taken a hammer to everything she had worked hard to build as though it was a house made of Lego, but part of her was excited to pick up the pieces and build something new, whatever that might look like. But she felt free and lighter, as though something had been set free when she had admitted her feelings and she could only hope that things settled down and she got a sign from the universe soon.

 

She just didn’t know it would come sooner than she thought.

 

 _I'm gonna paint you by numbers and color you in_  
_If things go right we can frame it, and put you on a wall_

 _And it's so hard to say it but I've been here before_  
_And I'll surrender up my heart and swap it for yours_

_I'm out of touch, I'm out of love_  
_I'll pick you up when you're getting down_  
_And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now_

 _I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind, I'll do it all for you in time_  
_And out of all these things I've done I think I love you better now_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn't think it would hurt me as much to break up Chicago and Chloe. Chicago was a genuinely nice guy, it's not his fault that Chloe was already in love with someone else. 
> 
> Next chapter is the one I think most of you have been waiting for. It's already written, but I need to tweak bits of it now I've written this one!


	9. Coming Home (So I Can Finally Breathe)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beca takes her future into her own hands, as does Chloe...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the chapter you've been waiting for. I was going to wait until tomorrow but I'm too excited to share this with you all. Thank you for your feedback on the last chapter, this chapter was the whole initial idea for the story that has now worked its way around this. Hopefully it lives up to expectations!  
> Songs: Coming Home (Part II) - Skylar Grey and Breathe Me - Sia (if you listen to them as you read this it really impacts and hits you in the feels)!

 

Chloe was sat in the small lunch room at the vet’s she worked in nibbling uninterestedly on a cheese sandwich. Technically it was dinner time as she was on the late shift. She had been taking the late shifts so that Chicago could spend some time in his own home after he finished training. He had been staying with friends for just over two weeks since she had ended things with him. Even though he had taken the break up remarkably well, she didn’t want to put too much pressure on him and make him feel worse by spending just as much time around him as she had when they were still together. She just had to wait until the weekend and she would be gone.

 

Three more days and she would be moving back to Portland to live with her parents, just three more days to work out her notice and finish packing up her bags and she would be gone. She had yet to hear back about any of the jobs she had applied to and she still had no idea what she was going to do but she felt a sense of relief, a sense of freedom.

 

The phone call with Aubrey had really helped her figure things out, and although she still felt immensely guilty and slightly upset by her breakup with Chicago, she knew it was 100% the right thing to do. Her feelings for Beca had hit her all of a sudden, although, she realistically knew they had been there for years. She couldn’t remain with Chicago whilst she was completely, and irrevocably in love with the tiny brunette she had been best friends with for the better part of 10 years.

 

And whilst a part of her wanted to go to LA – to go to Beca - it had been two months since she had left Beca and even though they were still texting, Chloe wasn’t exactly sure what status their relationship was now. Beca still hadn’t told her how she felt, and despite that one drug induced confession, Chloe didn’t even know if Beca still felt that way about her.

 

What if she didn’t?

 

And she sure as hell wasn’t going to risk flying across the country on a whim on the off chance Beca still felt the same. Or risk Beca’s progress with coming off the drugs, or risk Beca having a relapse because of her.

 

And as Chloe set aside her cheese sandwich, suddenly not hungry, her phone started to ring. Chloe smiled as the face of her blonde best friend appeared on the screen and she answered with a cheery hello.

 

“Chloe, are you busy right now”? Aubrey asked, not even bothering with a greeting.

 

“I’m on my break” Chloe replied, an eyebrow rose in confusion at the blonde’s unusual (more so than usual) behaviour.

 

“Beca is doing a Facebook live, I think you should watch it” Aubrey said, “trust me Chlo, you want to watch it”

 

Aubrey hung up and Chloe was left staring at her phone, as a text came through from none other than the blonde who had just hung up on her.

 

_‘NOW!’_

 

Chloe almost dropped the phone in her haste to open up her Facebook app, it not taking long to find Beca’s video – it was at the top of her Newsfeed. She ran over to her locker and pulled out her earphones and plugged them in to the phone, placing the buds in her ear and turning the volume up as she clicked on the video to make it widescreen.

 

Beca’s face filled the screen, and Chloe gasped, tears filling her eyes at Beca’s appearance. Last time she had seen the tiny brunette, she had been pale with a gaunt face and dark circles under her eyes (although this had greatly improved from the appearance she had been greeted with that first fateful day in LA). This Beca looked amazing, and healthy... her cheeks had filled out again and she had colour in her cheeks.

 

She had applied her signature eyeliner and her hair was in soft waves around her shoulders wearing a white shirt under her signature leather jacket. She sat back from the camera which looked like it had been placed up against a book or something as it was resting at Beca’s stomach height.

 

She was sat on the sofa of her apartment, at least that’s what Chloe could tell based on the background in the video. But Chloe couldn’t care less about the background, this was the first time she had seen Beca since she realised how she felt. The fact she could hear her heart beating loudly in her chest despite the headphones just reiterated the fact Chloe knew she hadn’t made a mistake in leaving Chicago.

 

Beca smiled nervously at the camera, her leather jacket trying to give her a badass vibe although Chloe could see the nerves in Beca’s face – although Chloe reasoned she could only see them because she knew Beca so well, a fan may not be able to tell.

 

“Hey guys” Beca started, and the rest of the world faded out around Chloe as she concentrated on her phone screen. “I know it’s been a while since you heard from me, and for that I am truly sorry”

 

Beca took a deep breath.

 

“I was told by my label not to do this video, but for my own sanity, I need to do this video. And I want to tell you guys what I’ve been going through, and why I’ve been AWOL. And, if my story can help just one of you, that makes this video – and probably getting dropped from my label – worth it...”

 

Chloe took a deep breath as she realised what Beca was about to do

 

“... so, the reason I’ve been gone the last few months, is that I’ve been struggling with a pretty serious drug addiction. It only took me saying yes just one time, and before I knew it I was in pretty deep. I pushed away a lot of my friends, all of my family and I risked everything and I don’t even know what for. I spent a fortune on something that gave me a few minutes of pleasure, and when I came down from the high I felt worse than before, so I just kept doing it again and again”

 

Beca paused for a moment and Chloe watched as she took another deep breath although it did nothing to stop her shoulders from shaking.

 

“I won’t go in to why I said yes in the first place, or how I’m going to have live with the track mark scars on my arms for the rest of my life from where I nearly threw everything away. But I do want to talk to you about how I got clean, and although I know it is going to be a struggle for the rest of my life, I have been clean for 13 weeks now”.

 

Chloe smiled a watery smile through her tears as she felt the pride bubbling up in her at this small, yet mighty giant of a woman on her screen. The brunette was literally the strongest person she knew, and this video was doing nothing but prove her right – that Beca Mitchell was the strongest, most amazing person she had ever met.

 

“No-one could get through to me. Not my dad, my agent or my manager. My friend Jesse who I went to college with couldn’t even snap me out of it. All I could concentrate on was my next fix, and I didn’t care who I hurt to get it. So Jesse did the one thing he could... he called my best friend, Chloe”

 

Chloe felt her breath catch as Beca said her name, and she watched as Beca smiled shyly at the camera.

 

“Chloe saved my life. Literally. She peeled me off the floor that first night she was in LA after I had overdosed – sorry guys, I should have warned you that this wasn’t a fun story – and dragged me into the shower to wake me up. She continued to save me for the next three weeks... she dropped her life and moved in with me. She cleared up after me, hid the drugs and held me as I suffered through withdrawal, which was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. She cooked for me, made me laugh and even if she doesn’t know it because I am a terrible person, she made it worth getting up in the morning when all I wanted to do was curl up and die”.

 

Chloe couldn’t even feel the tears falling down her cheeks at this point as Beca continued.

 

“My point being guys, please don’t ever think you are alone. If I can be saved, so can you. And please, please reach out for help because you deserve to live a happy life, you deserve to be here and you are loved and wanted. Chloe taught me that, she’s always been teaching me that – the girl is sunshine on a cloudy day. If you are struggling with an addiction, please look for the sunshine on a rainy day because I guarantee you it is there somewhere if you look hard enough. The number for Samaritans will be put below this video so please, please reach out for help if you are struggling”.

 

Chloe laughed slightly, Beca was bearing her soul and probably being as honest as Chloe had ever seen her, and she was still being the person Chloe always knew she had been – someone who cares greatly about everyone around her.

 

“So, with the hard stuff out of the way, I want to let you guys know that I’m doing okay now, and the one good thing that has come from this is that I have written a tonne of new material, and am currently in the studio recording and producing some real stuff. My therapist said it’s a good way for me to work out my issues and what do you know, she was right. This is probably the realist stuff I have ever written and I want to give you all a sneak peak. So Chloe if you are watching this...”

 

Chloe’s heart stops as Beca makes eye contact with her through the screen and she watches as Beca leans off camera to pick up her acoustic guitar before settling back on the couch with a sigh.

 

“... this is for you. This is to say thank you, and to tell you how sorry I am that I pushed you away and... well, this is to say everything I couldn’t say to you when you were here”.

 

The sob that ripped its way out of Chloe’s chest as Beca’s confession was forgotten in an instant as Beca began to strum the guitar and Beca begun to sing.

 

 _And the blood will dry, underneath my nails_  
 _And the wind will rise up, to fill my sails_  
  
_See you can doubt, and you can hate_  
 _But I know, no matter what it takes_

Chloe is suddenly thankful she’s alone on the late shift as she really doesn’t want anyone to see her right now. The tears are streaming down her face as she listens to the song Beca apparently wrote for her and her lunch / dinner is long since forgotten as she nervously chews on her left forefinger as she brings the phone even closer to her face. _  
  
I'm coming home_  
 _I'm coming home_  
 _Tell the world I'm coming home_  
 _Let the rain wash away, all the pain of yesterday_  
 _I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes_  
 _I'm coming home_  
 _I'm coming home_  
 _Tell the world I'm coming_  
  
_Still far away, from where I belong_  
 _But it's always darkest before the dawn_

Chloe watches Beca’s face as she sings and Chloe feels the familiar blanket of comfort begin to slip over her as she observes how relaxed Beca has become as she does something she loves. It was always something the two girls had shared at college – it was only Chloe that Beca shared her talent for playing the guitar with, and many of Chloe’s bad days ended with Beca strumming softly on the guitar as she hummed a song to cheer Chloe up.

 

But seeing this Beca, relaxed and at peace with herself for the first time in months, singing a song simply because she _wants_ to is everything Chloe ever wanted for the small DJ.

  
_  
See you can doubt, and you can hate_  
 _But I know, no matter what it takes_  
  
_I'm coming home_  
 _I'm coming home_  
 _Tell the world I'm coming home_  
 _Let the rain wash away, all the pain of yesterday_  
 _I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes_  
 _I'm coming home_  
 _I'm coming home_  
 _Tell the world I'm coming_

As the song finishes and Beca fades off the guitar, she turns back to the camera with a small smile, and with a shy thank you and a love you to her fans the screen goes black.

 

Chloe absentmindedly watches some of the comments continue to appear on the screen and the likes jump up by the thousands.

 

 **‘Jasmine Murray’**  
“That was beautiful Beca, Chloe is a lucky girl”

 

 **‘Andy Jones’**  
“I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this, but such bravery and talent from someone who I believe hasn’t even touched the surface of her talent. Stay Strong”

 

**‘Francisco Lopez'**

“I hope Chloe knows how lucky she is to have you in her life as well. Keep your chin up, you may have just saved hundreds of people’s lives”

 

Chloe’s phone buzzed with a text from Aubrey, _‘I think you just got your sign Chloe...what are you going to do now?_ ’ 

 

She had indeed gotten her sign, and Chloe knew exactly what she was going to do.

 

_I'm coming home_   
_I'm coming home_   
_Tell the world I'm coming home_

Beca turned off her Facebook live and put her phone on the coffee table, watching as it vibrated continuously. She reached forward to attempt to look it at it, but decided against it as the vibrating started to carry it across the table. Beca instead, stood up and walked out onto her balcony. She took a deep breath to steady herself, the smell of the ocean and the air pollution giving her a sudden sense of stability – of home as the implications of what she just did.

 

Fuck, what did she just do? Did she just ruin her career and possibly her life?

 

As the thoughts of the worst possible scenarios ran through her mind, she felt her fingers twitch for a needle. Instead, she counted to ten as she watched the traffic below and then repeated it again for another 15 cycles, letting the pounding of her heartbeat start to slow down again. As the thoughts disappeared from her mind, Beca thought about it rationally. She had always been an honest person, and the last few months of hiding seemed to have taken more of a toll on her than anyone else could have thought.

 

She had always loved solitude, but there became a point when you needed genuine human interaction.

 

Decided to rip the band aid off so to speak, she went back in to her apartment and picked up her phone. She took another deep breath and fell back on to the couch as she silenced her phone. As she pressed her home button, it lit up with the notifications.

 

12’987’907 likes on Facebook with a further 4’376’375 comments.

 

147 text messages and 23 missed calls.

 

She unlocked her phone.

 

Three hours later and she put her phone back down with a sigh, as a small smiled broke its way to the surface as the messages swirled through her mind.

 

 **Dad** : _I am so proud of you Beca, you are stronger than I ever thought a person could be, and I’m with you every step of the way._

 

 **Jesse** : _Way to go Becaw, I have your back always._

 

 **Aubrey:** _You have come a long way since the days of the Bella’s Beca. If you need any support, you know where to find me. Also, if you get trouble from your label let me know, I know a great attorney._

 

 **Fat Amy** : _Seems like you picked up a drug habit in prison huh Shawshank?! Congrats on getting cleaner than a wallabies testicle, hit me up next time you’re in Tulsa._

 

She was trending on twitter with the hashtags **#weloveyouBMitch #wesupportyoubeca #BMitchDrugHelpline** and from what she could see; it was all overwhelmingly lovely and supportive.

 

It was the voicemails from Scotty, her manager, and the CEO of the label, Mick that had scared her most and it had taken her a few minutes to pluck up the courage to actually listen to them.

 

 **Scotty** ; _“Beca, I am so so proud of you. You know, a few months ago I seriously thought we would lose you from this addiction, but you have proved us all wrong. But then you’ve been doing that since you were assigned to me haven’t you Mitchell? When you’re ready to come back to work, there is a studio with your name on it. Love you kiddo”_

 

 **Mick:** _“Miss Mitchell, it appears that you didn’t listen to us when we told you not to go public with your drug addiction. But as it turns out, this is good publicity and I have already been getting calls from Drug Programmes wanting to see if they can interview you for their support videos and booklets. You’re lucky it has all turned out to be positive Miss Mitchell or else we would be having a much more serious chat, but please come to my office next time you come to the studio to discuss what happens next. On a separate note, that must have taken a great deal of courage to do what you did tonight, and my daughter has been begging to meet you more than usual since she watched your video – I think you’ve just become a lot of people’s heroes tonight. Take care Miss Mitchell”_

 

There was even a text from DJ Khalid who was apparently in London on vacation... _‘I salute you, well done Tiny, tell Mick if he gives you any shit he can answer to me’_

That made Beca chuckle lightly.

 

And as lovely as all of these messages were, there wasn’t one from the person that mattered the most. Beca stared at her phone, willing it to ring with Chloe’s face appearing on the screen, desperate to hear that the redhead had gotten her message, even if she hadn’t watched the video. Beca knew that Chloe wouldn’t realise what the song actually meant, it’s not like she actually admitted her love for the older woman, but she needed to get it off her chest. Dr Isles had been right, holding it in had been destroying her, this had been the last step in her recovery and she did feel lighter for admitting it, even if it had been indirect and slightly aloof. She knew what she had done.

 

She just hoped she hadn’t pushed Chloe away for good.

 

_I'm coming home_   
_I'm coming home_   
_Tell the world I'm coming home_

The doorbell woke Beca from where she had been asleep on the couch the night before, still dressed in a pair of jeans and her white t-shirt, although apparently she had exchanged her leather jacket for a grey zip up hoodie.

 

She had been sitting with her phone in her hand listening to Sia quietly; enjoying the solitude before the press undoubtedly hit and started camping outside of her building. She looked at the clock that was on the wall in the dining room area, squinting as the early morning sunlight filtered through the glass windows in that direction – she had apparently not drawn the blinds last night.

 

The doorbell rang again, and Beca pushed herself into a sitting position wiping the sleep from her eyes as she thought to herself ‘ _who the fuck is that at 5am’?_

 

She pushed herself up off the sofa as a knocking was added to the mix and she softly padded over to the front door, minutely aware that the opening chords to _‘Breathe Me_ ’ by Sia were starting to play softly through the speakers dotted around her apartment – apparently she hadn’t turned her sound system off either.

 

The doorbell rang again as Beca reached for the lock above the doorknob and twisted it around so it was unlocked, before reaching for the doorknob itself, twisting it and pulling the door open towards her.

 

Only to find Chloe Beale stood on her doorstep.

 

“Chloe”? Beca managed to stutter out, acutely aware that she was doing a very good impersonation of a fish right now, “What are you doing here”?

 

“Did you mean it”? Chloe asked as Beca took in her attire. She stood on the doorstep with a backpack over one shoulder, wearing a pair of grey leggings, a pair of high top white vans, a white long sleeve t-shirt with a v-neck and a small pocket above her left breast and a mustard beanie was perched on top of her head, her red curls – despite looking slightly dishevelled – hanging down to her shoulders.

 

Beca thought she had never looked more beautiful.

 

Beca realised she hadn’t answered Chloe when Chloe got impatient and walked past her into the apartment and deposited her backpack on the couch, along with the beanie.

 

“Did I mean what”? Beca asked, extremely confused by the turn of events.

 

“When you told me you loved me the first day you took the suboxone, did you mean it”? Chloe asked, and Beca was surprised to see fierce determination and searching in those beautiful blue eyes.

 

“What? When did I...?” Beca trailed off, and oh shit, what the fuck did she do? _What did she say?_

 

“You were out of it, and when I put you to bed and you told me you were in love with me. Did you mean it”? Chloe pushed as she walked back over to Beca, who was stood still by the – now closed – front door.

 

“Oh shit” Beca replied softly, feeling the knowing signs of a panic attack start to swell up in her. Because this was most definitely not what she had been expecting. She had admitted it whilst high? Chloe had known and not mentioned it – this did not bode well and suddenly those horrible thoughts she had had about Chloe yelling at her and being disgusted by her were starting to come into fruition. But then warm hands were on her cheeks, gently forcing her to look up into blue eyes that were now soft and warm and this had definitely not happened in her mind.

 

Chloe had moved to stand in front of Beca, inches between them as Chloe cupped Beca’s face gently, forcing her back to the present and out of her own head and Beca felt the world start to come back into focus and tears start to build up in her eyes.

 

When had she become so bloody emotional?

 

“Beca, I watched your video and have spent five hours on a plane from Atlanta just to get here to you, so please, I need to know. Did you mean it when you said you were in love with me”? Chloe asked softly, her own eyes starting to water with unshed tears.

 

It was now or never Beca thought.

 

“I have never meant something so much in my entire life” Beca murmured closing her eyes and looking down towards her feet, waiting expectantly for Chloe to step back and push her away.

 

Instead, she felt Chloe step impossibly closer, her warm body pressed up against Beca’s own as though it was supposed to be there. Beca could feel her heart beating out of control as those warm hands pulled her head back up to face her, and then Chloe smiled.

 

Chloe smiled a small, but radiant smile at her as a tear escaped and ran down her face and a small sob escaped the back of her throat, half disguised as a laugh and Beca had absolutely no idea what was happening – this had never been a reaction she had considered.

 

“I am so glad you said that Beca” Chloe replied, and Beca felt her eyes widen in surprise as Chloe slowly leaned down towards her and pressed her lips to Beca’s own in a soft yet gentle kiss before stepping back slightly to give Beca room to process, although she didn’t move her hands from their resting place on Beca’s jaw.

 

“But what about Chicago”? Beca stammered, trying to wrap her head around this turn of events.

 

“It’s over” Chloe replied gently as Beca felt Chloe’s thumbs gently wipe tears she hadn’t even realised had begun to fall from her cheeks. “It’s a long story, but I realised it was you. It has always been you. I’m just sorry it took me so long to figure it out, but I am so in love you Beca Mitchell”

 

And Beca felt as though – for the first time in years - she could finally breathe again.

 

_Be my friend, hold me_   
_Wrap me up, unfold me_   
_I am small, I'm needy_   
_Warm me up and breathe me_

 

It was Beca this time that closed the gap between them, her hands coming up of their own accord to grasp Chloe’s waist, her lips seeking out those of the beautiful redhead in front of her.

 

As their lips met this time, it was with slightly more force, and slightly more desperation. Beca moved her lips against Chloe’s for the first time, deepening their kiss and she heard Chloe moan quietly as she returned the action. Beca wrapped her arms around Chloe, bringing her in impossibly closer as she felt Chloe’s tongue swipe at her bottom lip asking for entrance – to which she granted.

 

Their tongues met in a gentle battle and Beca felt as though she was dreaming as she tilted her head up more in an effort to get even closer to Chloe and it felt like a beautiful dream.

 

But no, the warm body pressed up against her was real, she could feel the muscles in Chloe’s back tense and un-tense as she stood, and the hands on her own face were solid and firm.

 

An anchor.

 

The kiss came to a natural end and both women stood with their foreheads gently touching as Beca tried to wrap her head around the events of the last ten minutes.

 

Chloe had turned up on her doorstep at 5am. Chloe had begged Beca to answer her question. Chloe had told Beca she was in love with her. Chloe Beale had kissed her.

 

And it all became a bit too much for Beca.

 

Beca burst into quiet sobs as she grasped at the fabric of Chloe’s shirt that hung at her back and she felt Chloe wrap her own arms around Beca’s neck in a fierce hug. Beca nestled her face into Chloe’s neck – thanking the musical Gods that she was small enough to be able to do that – as the tears fell hotly down her face.

 

“I’ve got you Becs, I’ve got you” Chloe whispered into her ear, tightening her grip around the smaller woman.

 

And as the sun rose on a new day, Beca and Chloe stood by the front door of Beca’s apartment, locked in a tight embrace as both of them cried – although neither of them were sure why they were crying – and both acutely aware that they were headed into completely new territory.

 

Although neither of them had any inclination to try and stop it.

 

_I'm coming home_   
_I'm coming home_   
_Tell the world I'm coming home_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this... next chapter may take a while as I genuinely have no idea where it is going from here....


	10. I Stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beca wakes up from the night before and Chloe is still there, and she obviously panics. Good job she has Chloe now to help her work through her own feelings. Oh, and they go on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off guys, I am so insanely sorry for the delay in this chapter. I didn't really know where to go with it and then I went through a really rough time in life in general so wasn't up to writing, but I did it. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this chapter, feel free to leave constructive criticism or anything you'd like to see in future chapters!
> 
> Song is I Stand by Gabriela Guncikova - thanks to Alexiss21sk for the suggestion.

_I’ve worn the path_   
_I’ve hit the wall_   
_I’m the one who rose and fall_   
_I’ve played my heart_   
_When I played the part_   
_But it got me through the rain_

 

The sun was shining and everything was still, time had stopped and she was floating in a dream. At least, that’s how it felt to Beca when she finally awoke later that morning – although it was more like early afternoon in actuality. For a moment she panicked, thinking she felt so peaceful because she’d relapsed and the drugs were making her feel safe again, and then everything came flooding back.

 

_Chloe._

 

The warmth of a body pressed against her back and the weight of an arm around her middle were a welcome reminder of what had transpired in the early hours of the morning. Chloe had knocked on the door and admitted her love for the brunette. They had kissed and then Beca had broken down in tears, and Chloe had kissed her forehead gently and let her through to her bedroom.

 

Beca screwed her eyes shut as she recalled the way Chloe climbed into bed with her and pulled her close as Beca managed to calm herself down, breathing in Chloe’s scent and grasping at Chloe’s top as though it were a lifeline.

 

Maybe it was... Chloe had always been a lifeline to Beca, even when Beca was too stupid to realise it.

 

Chloe had kissed her temple and whispered that it was okay, things would work out and they could take their time.

 

_‘Don’t worry Bec, I’m not going anywhere. I’m never leaving you on your own again for as long as you’ll have me’_

 

Those were the exact words Chloe had said to her as Beca had drifted off to sleep in Chloe’s arms, like she had dreamt about so many times before. Albeit it wasn’t exactly how Beca had planned, in her dreams there were less drugs, less fiancés named after cities, and less online reveals of said drug addiction – but it was real.

 

And all of a sudden Beca felt herself start to panic. This was too good to be true, this was everything she had wanted for so long it seemed like something would come along and rip this away from her.

 

She wasn’t good enough to deserve this...

 

_She wasn’t good enough for Chloe..._

 

She felt Chloe behind her start to stir and instead of settling back down next to her, she instead managed to gently move Chloe’s arm from around her middle and shuffle sideways out of bed. Glancing backwards at the still sleeping redhead, Beca walked out of the room, gently shutting the door behind her.

 

Once in the kitchen, she set about preparing herself a cup of coffee to try and settle her nerves.

 

Chloe was too good for her, too pure. She saved baby animals for a living for goodness sakes. What did Beca do? Nothing currently, she was a washed up singer with a pretty major drug habit – albeit she had been clean now for a while. What could she offer Chloe?

 

The coffee machine beeped that it was ready, and Beca poured herself some coffee into her favourite mug. It was, coincidently, a mug Chloe had gotten her as a jokey gift one Christmas back when they were still in college. It was a black mug with ‘World’s tiniest DJ’ written on it in white with a picture of a grumpy looking Beca underneath it. Although she had acted insulted when she got it, in actuality, it made her smile every time she looked at it.

 

Beca was so lost in her thoughts of self-doubt she didn’t notice Chloe pad lightly up behind her, wearing her white top from the night before – or early morning really – and a pair of Beca’s pyjama bottoms that were a bit short on her.

 

“Morning Becs” Chloe greeted lightly, and amended it slightly after looking at the clock on the wall, “or afternoon I guess”.

 

Chloe pecked Beca on the cheek, slightly hitting the corner of Beca’s mouth and smiling, before helping herself to a mug of coffee, all the while whilst Beca just watched on, unable to voice her concerns.

 

“Please don’t do that” Beca suddenly startled herself, and Chloe as well who had just taken a sip of her coffee and was sitting down at the kitchen table.

 

“Drink coffee”? Chloe asked, thoroughly confused by Beca’s outburst.

 

“Kiss me” Beca replied quickly, “I don’t want to get my hopes up, it’s only a matter of time before you decide you can do better and leave me”

 

Chloe put down her coffee mug and fixed Beca with a sad smile, “oh honey, come and sit with me”

 

Beca swallowed and went and sat in the chair next to Chloe’s at the kitchen table. This was it, this was Chloe realising Beca was a ridiculous child and that she was making a mistake before she left again, last night only to become a distant memory and breaking Beca’s heart once more.

 

Beca sat silently, the thoughts swirling through her head as Chloe looked at her pensively, her ocean blue eyes full of sadness and love – which thoroughly confused Beca.

 

“Beca honey, why do you think I’m going to leave you”? Chloe asked gently, reaching out a hand and placing it on top of Beca’s.

 

“Everyone always does” Beca shrugged, “and I know that’s my fault, and I can’t bare the thought of pushing you away again, so I’d rather not risk anything in the first place”

 

“What’s life without a little risk”? Chloe asked, before continuing, “Beca, I love you. I’m saying it again because you need to hear it and understand me. I am completely in love with you and I am not going to leave you again, I want to be with you, completely”

 

“I just don’t want to disappoint you again. I was nearly dead a few months ago and you found me, and then you gave up your life and looked after me, and now you’ve given up your fiancé and house and life to come and be with me again? What if I’m not worth it? What if I get addicted again and you regret it and leave me on my own”? Beca couldn’t look Chloe in the eye for that last bit, every single demon, and every single bad thought she’d ever have coming to the surface, unable to believe she actually could be getting the only thing in the world that she had ever wanted.

 

Chloe swallowed as she fully understood the magnitude of what Beca was thinking and the doubts she had obviously been carrying around for the last few months – if not longer – coming to the surface.

 

“You could never disappoint me Beca... worried me yes. Upset me, yes, and infuriated me, on more than one occasion. But I have never once in my life been disappointed in you, you could never do anything that would make me feel disappointment towards you”

 

Chloe squeezed Beca’s hand she was holding as Beca raised her head to look at her as she continued, “if you get addicted again, we can deal with that if we come to it, but Beca... please, don’t ever say I’ll regret you. I would never regret anything, I’m here because I want to be here”

 

“Why now”? Beca asked quietly, her brown eyes looking emploringly into Chloe’s, “why are you here now”?

 

“Honestly,” Chloe breathed, “as I said last night, it has always been you Beca. When I went back to Georgia after being here, it felt like something was missing, and don’t get me wrong Chicago was great, but he wasn’t you. I was looking through some old pictures a few weeks ago and it just hit me. Literally. I had a panic attack and eight years of memories came rushing back and it was like I was watching them from outside you know? Everything had a new perspective, but it wasn’t until I remembered seeing you with that actress that I realised I had been jealous. I was jealous, of Jesse back in college and even of Kommisar at World’s. I was jealous of everyone you had ever been with or linked to because I wanted to be that person”.

 

Chloe took a moment to take a sip of her coffee whilst she gave Beca a second to process what she had said.

 

“So then I did what I always do and I rung Aubrey” Chloe shrugged, smiling as Beca let out a small – but real – chuckle. “She told me you’d been in love with me for years and that I’d been an idiot to not notice, and I was also an idiot for not noticing my own feelings for you until a near death experience”

 

“Sounds like Aubrey” Beca replied, smiling at Chloe.

 

“It was the kick I needed. It was tough ending things with Chicago, really though because a part of me did love him. But it wasn’t fair of me to be with him and lie to him, knowing how I feel about you. It wasn’t fair to me either, pretending for the sake of not hurting someone I care about, but you’re too important to me. You are everything to me Beca, and deep down I think I’ve known that since that stupid Activities Fair”.

 

“I fell for you at that stupid Activities Fair, but have always been too scared to tell you how I felt” Beca started, “I never wanted to risk our friendship over one-sided feelings. You were always far too important to me for that, but then I pushed you away because it got too difficult to be near you. And then the drugs started, and the parties and the random sex... sorry” Beca apologised when she saw Chloe flinch, only minutely, but she noticed.

 

“Don’t be sorry Beca, you have nothing to apologise for. I’m only sorry that you were hurting that much, and I was part of the reason for it” Chloe felt a cold shiver pass over her as the image of Beca on the floor appeared in her mind once again.

 

“That was part of the reason, but that was my own fault for not being able to process my own feelings. Instead I put the blame on you when it should have been on me”.

 

They both sat in silence for a minute or two, gathering themselves and their thoughts before Chloe spoke again...“I really do want to give this a try Beca, and we can move at whatever speed you feel comfortable with. I almost didn’t come because I didn’t want to do anything to risk your recovery, but then I saw your video on Facebook yesterday and, it sounds stupid, but the pull I felt to you was too strong so I got on a plane and here I am. And I’ll be here for as long as you’ll have me in whatever capacity you want me”

 

“I want you Chloe, I really do” Beca spoke with such genuine earnest truth in her voice, it took Chloe’s breath away, “I’m sorry for freaking out on you just now, it’s just a lot to take in you know? This is all I’ve ever wanted”

 

“I’m here Becs, and I’m not going anywhere” Chloe smiled, “except to shower because I stink like planes and public transport” she laughed, Beca laughing along with her.

 

Chloe stood up and pressed a kiss to Beca’s temple before she headed towards the bathroom, but not before a final sentence that left not room for argument “we can go as fast or slow as you want Becs, but please talk to me when you have thoughts like that and we can work through them, that’s what relationships are”

 

Relationship...

 

A relationship with Chloe Beale...

 

“Hey Chlo”? Beca shouted after her standing up as Chloe turned around with an eyebrow slightly raised, “can I take you on a date tonight”?

 

The smile she received in return was almost worth all of the pain over the last year, “I’d love that Becs”.

 

Beca smiled back and then sat back down as Chloe disappeared down the hall to the bathroom. A date with Chloe Beale... now all Beca had to do was think of something to do.

 

_I have felt the strain_   
_I’ve made mistakes_   
_With the monsters in my head_   
_But in the end_   
_You’re standing there_   
_You’re the one who always cares_

 

It had taken a very panicked phone call to Jesse, who, after a lot of happy screaming and questions had finally calmed down enough to offer some actually decent advice.

 

“Becaw, Chloe has been in love with you for a long time now even if she  hasn’t realised it. You could take her to a Justin Beiber concert and she’ll be happy so long as she was with you”

 

“Dude, gross, I am not taking her to a Justin Beiber concert” Beca grimaced, remembering the one time she met Justin Beiber and never again.

 

“That’s not the point I was trying to make, honestly Beca you should have been a dude you are so clueless. My point is, you’ve also been friends forever, so just do something fun and don’t try too hard, she already loves you. You don’t need to take her anywhere fancy or try to impress her; somehow you’ve managed to already do that”

 

“Thanks Jess” Beca thanked him, suddenly feeling a lot calmer, the words of Jesse and the earlier words of Chloe managing to settle the demons in her head and making her feel so much calmer about the situation and the possibility of dating Chloe, “that actually helps; I think I have an idea”

 

“You’re welcome, you know where I am if you need anything” he replied.

 

“Well, now that you mention it, can I borrow your car”?

 

 _Cause I stand_  
I stand  
I am standing here  
Just because of you  
Every part of me is a part of you  
I stand

Beca was stood outside her own apartment, hand raised to knock at the door. Chloe had laughed when Beca had said she needed to pop out and grab something for their date and she’d pick her up at seven.

 

She’d waited years for this moment. She was going to do everything right.

 

So, she left Chloe getting ready, and grabbed a bag of clothes she had packed for her date, and her purse. Putting on a cap and a pair of sunglasses, she hailed a cab from the street outside her apartment to Jesse’s.

 

She then panicked in his bathroom trying to get herself changed, sort her hair and makeup and genuinely try not to freak out about her impending date, despite how many times Jesse said to her (whilst she was half naked in his bathroom whilst he sat on the toilet lid and threw words of encouragement at her – as well as a spare concealer when she couldn’t find hers, she wasn’t even going to ask) “ _dude, even you can’t screw this up”_.

 

Which then led to her thinking of all the ways she could screw this up and things could go wrong, which was crazy because she was taking them both to Santa Monica Pier and not a five star resort in the Bahamas, not limited to:

 

  * _A tidal wave coming and knocking them both into the sea,_
  * _Beca throwing up on the rollercoaster,_
  * _A shark jumping up and biting her hand off and taking her purse with her into the sea,_
  * _Chloe falling through a crack in the pier and drowning,_
  * _The Ferris wheel coming off its hinges and rolling away and causing chaos_
  * _Beca being mobbed by fans and the pier giving way under the weight of a lot of people in one spot... to name but a few._



 

But Jesse eventually managed to calm her down, and sent her off with his car keys and a smile, as well as some flowers he had had the foresight to pick up because “ _I know you Beca and you’re absolutely useless at romance so I’m only doing what I need to do to make this work_ ” and she was now – dare she say it – excited about her date.

 

She smiled as she looked down at her outfit, tartan skirt, black ankle boots, a white blouse and her denim jacket, took a deep breath and knocked at the door.

 

Chloe answered before she had even finished knocking as though she was stood on the other side of the door waiting, which knowing Chloe she probably had been. Beca took a sharp intake of breath as she took in the beautiful woman in front of her. She had on a blue sundress that made her eyes look even bluer than they already were, and a pair of white sandals, and she wore her hair down in loose curls.

 

Beca gave her the flowers Jesse picked up for her, a bunch of yellow sunflowers, unable to keep the smile off her face, knowing that this beautiful woman was going out on a date with her.

 

“These are beautiful Beca” Chloe smiled, “thank you”

 

“Thank Jesse” Beca replied, shrugging, trying to adopt her usual attitude – to which Chloe saw through immediately – “he said something about not wanting me to screw this up because it was about damn time that I got my head out of my arse”.

 

“Well, I’m glad you did, even if it took a video to 40 million people and then a cross country flight to get to this point”

 

“Me too” and Beca found that she genuinely meant it, despite the drugs, despite the heartache, Chloe was real and she was right in front of her, and she had never been this happy.

_I’m standing tall_  
I can hold it all  
Now I see where I belong  
The choice I made  
Helped me understand  
Now this life is mine to play  
I am thanking you, you made me  
You are my air  
I’ll always care

Beca and Chloe strolled along the pier hand in hand as the sun set behind them across the sea. It had taken Beca all night to pluck up the courage to take Chloe’s hand into her own, and when she had, she had been rewarded with a smile that Chloe had only ever given her – a smile brighter than the sun behind them. It was brighter than the smile Chloe had given Beca when they pulled up in a parking spot by the pier, the excitement apparent in Chloe’s face and actions - reinforcing that the decision Beca had made to bring them here for a first date has been the right one - as she dragged Beca through the crowds onto the pier amongst the tourists.  

 

That had been a few hours earlier and so far ridden every single ride twice, had a hot dog each and a candy floss and drank approximately a litre of diet coke between them.

 

Beca hadn’t even thrown up on the rollercoaster.

 

They had spent the evening reminiscing about the past, from the Bella’s and Worlds, to talking about Legacy and how she was now officially an adult with an adult job, to their time in Brooklyn and that one time Fat Amy had come home drunk and fallen on them both in their bed and proceeded to fall asleep. They spoke about Beca’s fame, and the benefits to being famous and how lovely the fans were and how much Beca enjoyed the music aspect of it all.

 

They spoke about Chloe’s veterinary school and her life in Georgia with Chicago, which may seem like a weird thing to talk about on a date but to Beca is was a past that she wasn’t part off, and they were memories – happy and sad - that Chloe would never forget, so she wasn’t going to be a bitch and expect Chloe to never talk about it. Besides, she wanted to catch up on all of the time she wasn’t in Chloe’s life.

 

She had been stopped a surprisingly small number of times by fans, which was a blessing in disguise, because as much as she loved them and appreciated them, this was her first date with Chloe and she didn’t want to spend a second looking at anything other than the perfect woman in front of her. However, when teenage old girls – a blonde and a brunette - shyly approached her with their phone outstretched for a photo, she was loathe to refuse them.

 

“Ready”? Chloe asked as she held up the phone to take the photo of them with a smile, melting slightly at the sight of Beca’s biggest grin.

 

She snapped a couple of photos for the girls and walked back over to them as one of the girls grasped Beca’s hand in her own.

 

“I can’t believe that I’m meeting you today of all days, it just seems like fate” the blonde girl said, “I watched your video yesterday with my brother who has been struggling with a drug habit for as long as I can remember but today he walked himself into a rehab facility because you managed to get through to him when no-one else could”.

 

Beca had tears in her eyes by the time the young girl had stopped talking, and Beca unable to help herself stepped forward and wrapped the young girl into a hug, the tears evident as their bodies shook.

 

“I’m so pleased you’re okay” the girl whispered into Beca’s ear and Beca tightened the hold on her.

 

As Beca stepped back, she wiped her tears and noticed Chloe had wrapped her arm around the girls friend and her eyes were glistening as well.

 

“Me too” Beca smiled, swallowing down the tears, “and if your brother is half the person you are, he is going to make it through”

 

“Thank you” the girl said, “your music means a lot to a lot of people and I can’t wait for the next album”

 

“That really means a lot” Beca replied, feeling a surge of emotion towards this young girl who stood in front of her and made risks associated with coming out and telling the truth evaporate. This was why she had done it, regardless of what the label said, she knew that even if her story helped one person, she had done the right thing.

 

“What’s your names”? Beca asked suddenly as the girls said goodbye.

  
“I’m Josie” said the brunette girl with a smile.

 

“I’m Amy” replied the blonde as she wiped the tear residue from her face as they both waved goodbye and thanked Beca and Chloe again.

 

Beca looked and saw Chloe stood next to her, patient smile on her face and her eyes full of love and pride and Beca made a decision. She took Chloe’s hand in her own, noting how the two girls followed the action, “this is the Chloe I spoke about in the video”. The two girls’ jaw dropped and they burst into wide smiles.

 

“Can you do me a favour please”? Beca asked, pulling her own phone out of her pocket, “can you take a photo of the two of us”?

 

The brunette nodded quickly and surged forward to take the phone, seemingly thrilled at being able to do something for Beca Mitchell.

 

As Beca and Chloe stood back at the railing, the sun setting to the left of them, Beca looked up at the redhead who was stood next to her, turned in to face her completely with a smile on her face, her left arm around Beca’s back, and her right arm gently resting on Beca own arm.

 

“Who knew you could be sweet, sensitive and romantic Mitchell” Chloe laughed as Beca stuck her tongue out at her.

 

“Tell no one Beale or we’ll be having issues. I’m a badass rockstar” Beca replied, but she couldn’t keep the smile off her face as she glanced up at the taller woman. It truly had been a perfect night.

 

“If you say so Becs, if you say so”

_I stand..._   
_You never lose hold of me_   
_You always trust and you see_   
_I stand_   
_I stand_

 

The sun had well and truly set and the girls were walking along the sand, the lights and sounds of the pier in the distance behind them. There was nobody about as the night had turned slightly chilly with a cool breeze coming in off the ocean.

 

“Can we paddle”? Chloe asked suddenly, her eyes still managing to sparkle even in the dim light.

 

“Right now”? Beca asked incredulously, “its dark”

 

“Best time to paddle, there are no tourists to get in the way” Chloe replied, already bending down to unbuckle her sandal’s.

 

“But its freezing,” Beca argued quite content to not get wet.

 

“Don’t tell me the badass Beca Mitchell is scared of the ocean” Chloe smirked, raising an eyebrow as she walked backwards towards the sea, having dumped her back and shoes in a pile next to Beca.

 

“Sure, let’s get eaten by sharks before we’ve even finished our first date” Beca grumbled under her breath even as she leaned down to pull her boots off and leave them next to Chloe’s own pile.

 

As the first wave hit her feet she swore loudly as the coldness took her breath away. She could hear Chloe laugh from where she was stood three feet in front of her, the waved barely brushing her knees, and Beca knew she was done for.

 

She would literally do anything for this woman.

 

Chloe Beale was an angel sent from the heavens to rescue her, and she truly had, and she would spend the rest of her life making it up to her – as long as Chloe would let her.

 

“See, that’s not so bad is it Becs”

 

“Could be worse” Beca admitted as she reached Chloe, “but if a shark attacks you I’m going back to shore and letting it eat you”

 

“That’s rude” Chloe laughed, turning to Beca, her lower lip between her front teeth as she studied the smaller woman, Beca suddenly feeling the temperature rise around her as Chloe’s eye gazed into her.

 

The electricity had been crackling around them all evening but Beca had been ignoring it for fear of ruining anything. She knew that Chloe was going to be patient and let Beca make the first move with everything as they navigated this new relationship and old feelings for fear of doing something to trigger Beca who was for lack of a better term, still recovering. Beca had wanted to take things slowly, still unable to believe that this was real, but right now, still slightly on a sugar high from the candy floss and with Chloe looking at her like that she found all logic and sense had fled her mind.

 

Beca stepped forward quickly, and she felt Chloe move to meet her half way, arms wrapping around each other as lips met. Beca forgot that they were in the ocean and that literally anyone could see them (although they’d probably need really good eyesight in the dark). She forgot she was trying to take it slow as she pulled Chloe in closer to her, their bodies pressed against each other in the dark as their lips and tongues gave in to the longing they both felt.

 

Beca couldn’t remember a feeling so perfect as the moment she was in right now. That is until suddenly Beca felt herself falling sideways as a ridiculously random and large wave knocked both of them off their feet and into the surf. The coldness took her breath away as Chloe sat up from underneath her – she had been kind enough to break Beca’s fall - as they both lay in the surf, completely disorientated, yet still completely wrapped in each other.

 

Chloe then started laughing next to her, which was the most perfect thing Beca had ever heard as another wave hit them, causing Beca’s previously untouched hair to get soaked and she swallowed some sea water.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it! I was originally going to make this very fluffy, but realised that with Beca's state of mind and recovering, she would actually most likely panic. I did try and give you cute fluff at the end so I hope you enjoyed it and was entertained.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I will be continuing this probably into three or four more chapters, but I'm not 100% sure where I am going with it after the next chapter so please bear with me.


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